Can Being A Long Suffering Sufferer Be Changed?

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I have a neighbor who seems to be the unhappiest person in the world. Nothing seems to please her; she never smiles and always seems to be in a bad mood. If I tell her that her yard is pretty, her reply is something like, “My water bill is so high that the yard better look good,” or if I say it’s a beautiful day, she says, “Well it won’t be long till bad weather comes.” If I tell her she looks nice, she may say, “Well I hurt all over so don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Life for her is one tragedy after another and she always seems troubled. Please discuss people like this in your column.

-A reader in Oregon

Dear Reader:

People who are gloomy, grumpy and griping can be unpleasant to be around. These unhappy individuals thrive on the negative and let their pessimistic outlook completely pervade their thinking. Happiness is rare for them, and when it does occur, it is often short lived.

It is no surprise, therefore, that they frequently suffer from depression, social isolation and difficulty in establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships.

Often, constant worriers are filled with anxiety and have a strong need to be subservient and apologetic. They also may harbor a great deal of hostility, and guilt is sometimes a part of their psychological makeup.

Their sour, dour and unpleasant disposition often correlates with a poor self-concept. They are generally lacking in self-confidence, and their negative outlook leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. They believe that things won’t turn out right; therefore, things don't.

These individuals many often go through life missing wonderful experiences, frequently knowing that there is another world out there, but they feel afraid and are unable to make the step toward a different kind of life.

Some of them develop their outlook as a result of a very unhappy childhood. For them, physical and psychological abuse often took the form of neglect, harsh criticism, and a lack of unconditional love.

Learning to change long-standing undesirable behavior and accompanying feelings is often difficult and takes time. Frequently, when we examine ourselves in an objective way, we are seeking to change things that we don't like about ourselves and that are difficult to accept. Deciding to cease being a sufferer is not an insurmountable problem, but it must be recognized as a problem before any change can occur.