Emotion Validation Can Be Costly

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

In the past, I dived into love relationships just to prove that I was loveable because I continually craved emotional validation. We all have a need for validation, as in being told a job was well done or having someone tell us we are valued and respected. But some people are needier than others, and I was too needy.

I spent a good part of my childhood and early adulthood struggling with seeing myself through the eyes of others and letting them dictate and define me. As I grew older, I completely lost my identity and played whatever role was needed in my attempt to fill my very leaky emotional bucket.

Three failed marriages and a long string of unhealthy and broken relationships eventually led my last partner to tell me that being responsible for continually pumping me up was exhausting work and not worth the effort.

A friend gave me your column on Dependent Personality Disorder, which included symptoms that fit me almost perfectively.

Some of them were:

• Reluctance to disagree with others for fear of withdrawal of support or rejection. An excessive need for nurturing, approval and comfort from others, often imparting feelings to others of clinging, helplessness and constant need for reassurance.

• Fears of being alone, abandoned.

• Pervasive feelings of inferiority and a lack of confidence that resulted in the need for constant, positive reinforcement.

• Major difficulties in decision-making without excessive input and reassurance from others. Fear of failure, difficulty with change and a frequently pessimistic outlook on life.

• Hypersensitivity to the feelings of others with a frequent belief that if others are unhappy, it must somehow be my fault.

• My strong desire for others to assume responsibility for me.

• Significant difficulty in being assertive or in giving anything less than positive feedback to others. Difficulty in saying “no” even when I was being taken advantage of.

• Problems in initiating activities or working on tasks alone.

• Frantic search for someone to replace disrupted or terminated relationships.

Fortunately, I have been in counseling and am now gradually developing a healthier self concept. I wanted your readers to know that change is possible.

-A reader in Minnesota

Dear Reader:

Thanks for the e-mail. Yes, change is possible and worth the time and effort. Significant change takes time and hard work, and I’m glad that you are on the road to better mental health.