Can My Therapist Be My Friend?

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

For the last two years I have been in therapy once or twice a week with a counselor who has helped me through a very difficult divorce. She prevented total destruction of an already shaky self-concept and has literally saved my life.

My ex-husband was very controlling and jealous and he left me with no opportunity to make friends. Now that I am starting to get my life back together, I want a dinner, movie and shopping buddy, and I want my therapist to be that friend.

We only meet professionally about twice a month and I plan to continue to see her for therapy. When I suggested that we expand our relationship to include being friends she politely said no, that we can’t be friends because of our therapy relationship.

I can’t seem to accept this even though she explained her reasons to me in a nice way. Do you agree with my therapist?

-Feeling rejected in Georgia

Dear Reader:

Professionals refer to having two different types of relationships at the same time as dual relationships, and this combination is strongly discouraged between mental health professionals and those that they serve. Psychotherapists can be friendly with their patients/clients but becoming friends is usually considered unethical due to the nature of the psychotherapeutic relationship.

Effective therapists must remain objective and uncompromised in the therapeutic relationship.

Psychotherapy is often referred to as a one-sided relationship. Friendship, on the other hand, is two-sided with the need for openness, love, shared feelings and an equitable balance in power and authority.

You do not want a therapist who can’t give an objective opinion because of the fear of “hurting your feelings” and thereby damaging your friendship. Likewise, if you get mad at your friend who is also your therapist, it might influence your ability to talk about your feelings in therapy and potentially compromise effective treatment.

Some types of therapy emphasize the phenomena of transference, the transfer of a patient’s feelings from a significant other person such as a parent, onto the therapist. The therapist divulges little or nothing about herself in order to permit free transfer of feeling from patient to therapist. Obviously, this couldn’t exist in a friendship.

Let your therapist help you develop friendships outside of your therapy relationship. You need to see her only as your therapist, not as your friend.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 2006