Appearances can be deceiving

Why do we assume that someone’s personality and underlying qualities match their appearance and external characteristics?

Some of us make quick judgments and form opinions strictly by what we see on the surface. Some of us may not want to get to know someone better because we perceive in them some of our own inadequacies or some characteristics that we do not want to acknowledge. And that’s a real phenomenon. For example:

• Consider the individual who appears to be aloof, cold and distant. The more we try to be friendly, the more that person seems to shun us or to respond in an inappropriate way. In fact, the harder we try to relate to them, the more we are rebuffed. T hat’s the external picture. But individuals who give this appearance and attitude are frequently introverted and very shy. Their inability to relate to others makes them appear withdrawn and standoffish. However, given time and the proper circumstances they may shed this cloak of fear and reveal feelings of warmth and depth.

• Think also about the individual who comes across as giddy, superficial and even silly. Appearing to take nothing seriously, when this person is approached on matters of any depth, the response elicited may be a Pollyanna, unltracarefree, giggly answer. Underneath that giddy surface, this individual may be suffering from anxiety, afraid to reveal genuine feelings for fear of rejection or failure. Can anyone relate to that?

• Another individual may seem to be arrogant, opinionated and overly aggressive. Taking the time to get to know this person frequently reveals that he or she is overcompensating for underlying feelings or inadequacy and insecurity. If that individual ever “lets down his guard,” he often reveals a truly caring, compassionate desire for friendship. Usually, that person needs friends very much. And can anyone relate to that?

• What about the person who seems to be so driven – the results oriented person who has an exceptionally high need for achievement? Getting to know this person may reveal someone who has a constant and exceptionally high need for recognition, which they believe will only come from accomplishments they feel compelled to produce. Always striving to achieve some elusive form of security, they never stop to smell the flowers. They are always reaching for a plateau just beyond their grasp, always pushing and grasping for one more sign of success.

The above situations are certainly more complex than space permits in this column and the reasons given for the characteristics of individuals described above do not always fit each personality type. But they should be enough to make you look beneath the surface.

So, the next time that you jump to rapid conclusions about someone with whom you come in contact, stop and think about possible explanations. What may appear to be inadequacies might serve as the basis for better understanding both yourself and the individual. Usually, you can find a reason. The old adage, “You can’t always judge a book by its cover,” should be helpful for all of us to remember.

Copyright c 1990 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D