Change begins in your own mind

In these days where advertisers promote products for instant relief for almost every ailment, one can almost wish for a medication for instant pain relief from anger, resentment, guilt or anxiety.

While the plan I am about to offer is not instantaneous, it is meant to bring about a change in your thinking. You might feel relieved as you view the situation differently, or you might accept the fact that some things are not changeable.

You may think your marriage would be happy if only your partner would change. You may think you would be happy if only you could move to a different place or that a specific situation is what’s making you unhappy.

In reality, however, it isn’t the place you live, but the way you view the place that is causing the hurt. You must come to realize that you hurt because of the way you think.

When you take charge of your life and realize you are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your thoughts and feelings, you can start looking for ways to find relief.

There are always choices to make. The hard part is getting started.

If you can accept the fact that your friend is insensitive and will never be a good support person when the chips are down, then you can enjoy being with him/her on occasions when you share mutual interests and when you are feeling OK. You can start searching for a friend who will be there when you need him, one to whom it is safe to confide your feelings.

Suppose you didn’t get a position you wanted. You are hurt, angry and resentful. Instead of repeating to yourself, “They gave the position to someone far less qualified; I will never be happy at this place again,” you can accept the fact that as they perceived it, they made the right choice.

Now put yourself in charge of your life again. Start to think, look at options, then make a decision. You will find your energy will increase once you stop letting yourself express negative emotions and wishing things would change. With that upward feeling, clearer thinking processes will help you make a new choice. Look for another position, study the qualifications and apply elsewhere, or try again if you want the job.

Tom had tried desperately to change his friend. Tom told himself, “If my friend doesn’t change his attitude to my way of thinking, I will never have anything to do with him again.” These demands and condemnation of his friend made Tom feel hatred and bitterness. He should have said, ‘I would like for him to be different,” accept the fact that he probably won’t change and then make a choice about future relationships with him.

Tom began to change, first realizing that his friend had the right to think and act as he pleased. Furthermore, Tom came to realize that his friend was not what caused Tom’s angry and hurt feelings. It was the actions of his friend plus Tom’s thoughts about it that caused Tom pain.

Sometimes you have to reach a compromise and attempt to change your feelings. In a family situation, where the daily give-and-take sometimes reaches a deadlock, one partner may have to analyze his feelings. Why am I angry? Why am I hurt? Instead of letting the tension reach an impasse, one family member may have to say, “This situation, which probably won’t change, is causing my pain. I can’t change that, but I can change my thinking about it.”

That is a change of feeling about an unchangeable situation. Try it. This may help you deal with situations or people that you previously didn’t think you could deal with in the past.

Copyright c 1990 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.