Be firm with people who like to butt in

I have discussed dealing with difficult people in past columns, and today I want to focus on one type that I call the “buttinsky.”

This is a person who simply can’t stay out of other people’s affairs. The mother-in-law is often portrayed as one who fits this pattern, as is the neighbor who observes and watches comings and goings of all who live within his/her range of vision.

A buttinsky is also someone you know in a casual manner who tries to pry into your personal business, feelings or relationships. They often start with a line, such as, “I know it is none of my business, but…” Or “Please, don’t think I am trying to be nosy when I ask you…”

These people seem to be drawn to making their lives overlap the lives of others. They seem smothering, controlling or domineering. They always seem intent on involvement in the situation and find pleasure and enjoyment in analyzing others’ relationships. But the more involved they get, the more entangled they get.

Two interesting variations of this individual include:

• Those who butt in because they are curious, nosy and feel entitled to the involvement they seek. They are often not even subtle in their approach and ask such personal and inappropriate questions that those around them are aghast with disbelief.

These individuals tend to butt in for the attention they will get. They speak before they think and ask questions without thinking about the consequences of the answers they might receive. They believe it is their right and responsibility to become involved and to risk suggesting possible scenarios as outcomes of even the most intricate relationships.

If you confront them about their unwanted attention, you may find they are not easily offended and rarely get the message to back off. You can best deal with these people by either ignoring them or by answering them in a way that doesn’t invade your privacy. The latter seems to satisfy them because it still gives them a little information they so desperately crave. The danger is they usually continue to collect information from others who may make comments that can be taken out of context and which twist the real facts.

• Other buttinskies are individuals with a strong need to “fix things.” They feel it is their destiny to correct the unhappiness of the world through crusading.

They are high feeling people rather than high controlling. Their problem is they have trouble setting boundaries around their need to fix things. They may involve others who have no interest in the problem or who clearly see that they have no control over the situation.

This type of person can be reasoned with when it is explained that their intention is understood and appreciated, but it is not needed or wanted at this time. They will usually back off and cease and desist in their behavior, but since they are high feeling they may be offended and display hurt feelings.

Dealing with a buttinsky is never easy. Being firm without being hostile is the best approach.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.