Pessimistic people can brighten views with counseling

Have you ever known people who never seemed happy about much of anything:

If you pointed out that it was a beautiful day, they would respond by saying, “Yes, but the long range forecast is for a very dry summer. If you complimented a meal they had prepared, they would reply, “Yes, but unfortunately we can’t afford to eat like this very often – food costs too much these days.” Even praise for their children brings forth dubious remarks like, “Well, I suppose you are right, but they really don’t compare with some children in their school.”

Individuals with that kind of outlook on life seem never to be happy unless they are unhappy. They thrive on the negative and let their pessimistic outlook completely pervade their thinking. Most people find them rather unpleasant to be around, even for a short time.

Consequently, it is no surprise that these individuals frequently suffer from depression, social isolation, and have difficulty establishing and maintaining meaningful relationships.

They are constant worriers; they are filled with anxiety. They have a strong need to be subservient and apologetic. Guilt plays a great role in their psychological makeup.

Although this way of thinking affects both men and women, many men with this problem go more or less unnoticed. Women are more easily identified as they tent to verbalize and express their feelings. Most people do not have much patience with them and simply write them off as those who “love to wallow in their own misery.”

A second look at these negative individuals, however, reveals people lacking in self confidence, generally suffering from a very poor self-concept.

Their childhood is often typified by a parent or parents who were overly demanding and critical, who were never satisfied with their behavior or performance, and were unwilling to accept anything short of perfectionism. Many times the parent was psychologically or physically abusive to the child.

A case in point is Johnny, whose father was an alcoholic. During his drinking sprees the father rode Johnny incessantly about anything he considered to be less than perfect, which was almost everything. Johnny’s mother stood by terrified, feeling helpless to come to Johnny’s aid. The abuses Johnny suffered were relentless and without rescue.

Over the years Johnny began to feel worse and worse about himself. He developed a belief system which put him at the bottom of the heap in everything he attempted. His all-pervasive feelings of inadequacy led to a self-fulfilling prophecy. He failed because he thought he was going to fail. Unable to see any success over a period of time, he developed an attitude toward himself described as self-hatred.

Brenda’s mother never told her she was pretty. Brenda never received the kind of acceptance, love and positive regard that goes into developing a healthy self-concept. Her mother, often depressed and despondent, could not see what she was doing to Brenda developed self-dislike and negative beliefs.

Learning to change longstanding ways of looking at life and accompanying feelings is never easy. It often is painful. Normally when we examine ourselves in an objective way we are going to find things we don’t life, as no one is perfect. But individuals with a poor self-concept find self-examination and the struggle to change particularly difficult. Any meaningful change is possible only through professional counseling with someone who understands and is willing to provide the necessary time. The need to suffer is not an insurmountable problem. But it must be recognized as a problem before any help can be given.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984