People aren’t born with self-esteem

At the business luncheon the speaker posed a difficult question for Betty. Although she knew the answer, she could not bring herself to respond.

It was a typical pattern of behavior for Betty, since her main fear- that of drawing attention to herself-was far greater than her fear of incorrectly answering the question.

Filled with anger and frustration, she left the meeting in tears. She wondered why she could not meet even this small challenge.

Betty had developed erroneous self-perceptions and low self-esteem.

In her early life Betty’s parents had always told her she was too “self-conscious,” too concerned about what other people thought about her. They said she was too afraid of even the slightest bit of exposure. Unfortunately, they did little to help her form healthy self-perceptions. They did little to make her feel good about herself.

Betty’s parents did not know how to help her. They did not realize that people are not born with self-esteem.

Of the following statements, Betty would probably answer “true” to most of them. Those who answer true to most of them, may suffer from a lack of self-confidence and a negative self-image.

1. My opinions and attitudes are private and I’m usually unwilling to express them, especially in front of a group of people I don’t know well.

2. I’ve never been very good at expressing myself and often end up making a fool of myself if I try.

3. Those individuals who do speak up and express their opinions are usually shallow “politicians” looking for attention.

4. If I could disguise myself and keep my identity a secret, I might be more willing to open myself up to public scrutiny.

5. During childhood games where the leaders picked those for their teams, I was usually one of the last ones chosen, if I was chosen at all.

6. For some reason, I often felt embarrassed or ashamed when growing up.

7. The ease and grace on which many people float through life is largely inborn and certainly not in my family tree.

8. The saying: “Silent brooks run deep and shallow ones are noisy” certainly fits the behavior of many people I know.

9. So-called out-going individuals are usually seeking the limelight. They are “high flyers and show-offs” whose luck usually runs out in the end.

10. If I could change much of my childhood and adolescence I would do so.

What things can Betty do to alleviate some of her self-directed anger, lack of self-confidence, and negative self-image?

In next week’s column, I will provide some of these answers.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 1993