Unhealthy Dependency Needs

A reader recently writes: “Dear Dr. LeCrone:

Recently, my boyfriend broke up with me after telling me that I was “high maintenance” when it came to my emotional neediness. He said I was too “clingy” and demanded too much attention. Frankly, I admit that his remarks are probably true and I know that I have a long standing problem with low self-esteem. One of my girlfriends said that she thinks I need professional help with a problem called dependent personality disorder. Can you write about this?”

Those suffering from a dependent personality frequently exhibit difficulties that may include:

• Reluctance to disagree with others for fear of withdrawal of support or rejection.

• An excessive need for nurturance, approval and comfort from others, often resulting in imparting feelings to others of clinging, helplessness and constant need for reassurance.

• Fears of being alone, abandonment and/or the inability to take care of him or herself.

• Pervasive feelings of inferiority, a lack of confidence with the consequent need of
constant positive reinforcement from the surrounding environment.

• Major difficulties in decision-making without excessive input and reassurance from
others. Fear of failure, difficulty with change and a frequently pessimistic outlook on
life.

• Hypersensitive to the feelings of others with a frequent belief that if others are
unhappy it must somehow be the fault of the dependent person.

• A strong desire by the dependent person for others to assume responsibility for him or her.

• Significant difficulty in being assertive or in giving anything less than positive
feedback to others. Individuals with dependent personalities often have problems in saying “no,” even when they are being taken advantage of.

• Problems in initiating activities or working on tasks alone.

• Frantic search for someone to replace disrupted or terminated relationships.

Professional evaluation can help establish the correct diagnosis of this problem. After a diagnosis is made, therapy can often assist those suffering from personality disorders by utilizing several different techniques including assertiveness training, decision making skills, correction of irrational thought patterns, and self-esteem building efforts.

Libraries, bookstores and the internet can also provide self-help resources on the subject of psychological dependency.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2004