You can break out of the performance trap

During the last two weeks I have been discussing the trap of relating self-esteem to performance.

If you feel that you might be suffering from the performance trap problem, ask yourself the following questions:

• Is the opinion of yourself- the value you place on yourself as a person and your self-regard- based primarily upon how much you can produce? Quantity, volume, amount of money, etc.?

• Do you let material things largely define and serve as a reference for how much enjoyment and satisfaction you feel in your life?

If you answer to either of these questions is yes, then you may feel a chronic sense of self-doubt, lack of self-acceptance and insecurity. Individuals can change if they see the need and have the desire to do so. How do you break out of this trap? Try the following:

• Increase the value you place on relationships. Enjoy people for who they are, not for what they have.

• Learn to appreciate the value of something by recognizing its function, not is age or cost. Are you buying a new car because your old one has become unreliable or because your car is older than those owned by most of the people you know and somehow you feel not as “successful” as they seem to be.

• Be more generous with your time and talent. Volunteer to help others. It will make you feel good and help change your values to ones that build healthier self-esteem.

• Consider your value and contributions as a spouse and parent. Can you increase your effectiveness by becoming more involved in enriching experience with your family? What about enrolling in an adult education class with your spouse at the local community college, starting a hobby together, becoming a coach or club leader for your children.

• Picture yourself in the following situation: You are stranded on a desert island with nothing but the clothes on your back. Someone asks you to tell them who you are and what you have done with your life. You are also asked how you want your family and friends to remember you. What would your responses be?

• Ask yourself to define “enough.” Most people honestly admit to themselves that fame and money don’t ensure happiness but they fail to spend time and thought defining what things in life are more likely to help them achieve happiness.

• If a close friend, valued family member or person you admire and respect suffered a career or financial loss, would you lose respect for them and consider them less of a person or no longer worthy of your friendship, love, respect, etc.? Most people would probably answer no to this question. If so, then perhaps you can begin to judge yourself no more harshly than you do these other individuals.

Performance is only part of the trap that impairs self-esteem. During the next several week I will discuss how distorted thinking, other people’s opinions of us and faulty perceptions contribute to patterns of self-esteem.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 1993