When adult children return to the nest

Recently, I was asked the following:

“My wife and I reared three children, all college graduates with degrees that should have enabled them to find jobs. Two of the three, however, have been unable to do so and as a result have found it necessary to move back in with my wife and me.

“We love our children but found that their return home, as adults, presented some difficulties that none of us anticipated.

“My wife and I had begun to enjoy our “second honeymoon,” not to mention the reduction in expenses in a household with only two people. We found ourselves experiencing a number of emotions we had never anticipated regarding our children, including the realization that things just weren’t the same as before they left home for college.

“We had a desire to help them on the one hand but a feeling that we had already wished them bon voyage on the other hand.

“How do other families deal with this dilemma?”

Your experiences are shared by many families I have talked to over the years. Unfortunately, a college education does not assure employment and during times when many well-educated individuals can’t find jobs, a return to the nest is quite common.

Approaching this challenge with a plan can help reduce the stress associated with “reunited” families. Following are some suggestions I passed on to the individual requesting my advice:

• As in most relationship issues, developing a healthy dialogue around the issues at hand helps. Don’t hesitate to express your feelings, including those that you may feel awkward about expressing. Also, encourage them to let you know how they feel about coming back home under these circumstances. Clarify perceptions and then begin to talking about expectations.

• It s useful to discuss the boundaries of situations such as this. How long do your children expect to stay? Is this only a temporary, stop-gap measure until they can find a more permanent alternative? Reluctance to discuss the details of this situation could present future problems.

• Establish ground rules that you and your spouse can be comfortable with. Coming and going at odd hours, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, telephone calls late at night and entertaining guests when inconvenient for you are examples of things that need to be “ironed out” from the beginning.

• Sharing expenses may be a wise alternative if and when your adult child’s finances permit. Long distance telephone calls should certainly be considered as their responsibility.

• Both your and their privacy needs to be discussed. It is sometimes helpful to think of children returning home as “guests.” As a guest in someone’s home, you certainly respond differently than you would in a child/parent situation.

• Set up a time every week or two to discuss how you each feel about “the arrangement” and make adjustments accordingly.

Keeping communication open and a dialogue between you and your adult child can forestall many of the problems you face in a situation like this.