Thanksgiving Perfectionist

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

With the holiday season upon us I need some help in dealing with stress. I am a 40 year old wife and mother of three children living in a fairly typical mid-western suburb. My memories of the holidays, especially since I reached adulthood, are filled with a lot of tension, worry, feelings of failure and even dread. My husband and family tell me that I’m a perfectionist and expect fairy tale experiences from Thanksgiving to New Years. Can you help me?

Dear Reader:

You may be experiencing a problem that I call seasonal stress syndrome. The holiday season is fertile ground for unrealistic expectations that often lead to disappointment and psychological distress. Individuals striving for a perfect holiday season often drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and unhappiness. It sounds like you are trying to achieve a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving and a Bing Crosby Christmas.

Here are some of examples of the perfectionist during the holiday season.

They push themselves to find the perfect present for everyone.

They diligently pursue peace and harmony at all family gatherings.

They expect feelings of good will toward everyone.

They believe that their children must retain perfect memories of past holidays.

When they can’t control all of these variables in satisfactory fashion, feelings of frustration often mount and tension builds.

In order to have a healthy perspective during this time of year and reduce the risk of seasonal stress syndrome, perfectionists may want to re-examine their priorities and reframe their thinking.

Many of the hassles at this time of year are a result of excessive demands on the perfectionist’s time and money. With realistic limits and boundaries set prior to the beginning of the holiday season, these demands can be reduced.

And remember that relationships and feelings between family members may change some as individuals age and their own priorities shift. Expecting everyone to be happy, congenial and enthusiastic about being together may be impossible at times. Try to accept the changes that occur and don’t try to carry tradition too far.

I applaud you for recognizing your problem and having a desire to change. Meaningful and long lasting change is possible but usually comes in small steps. I wish you good luck and happier holiday memories.