Happily married for almost 40 years, the couple had weathered many of the changes which occurred in their lives and impacted their marriage. Following are some of the milestones they encountered.
• The birth of their children which produced definite changes in the "chemistry" between them making life much more complex.
• Taking on new financial responsibilities including several larger, more expensive homes as their family grew.
• Family illnesses and the death of relatives and parents.
• An affair which seemed to threaten the foundation of the relationship causing a separation for several months.
None of these "challenges" impacted the marriage like that of retirement. The couple believed that somehow if they could make it through all of the other changes that occurred in their marriage, retirement would be "a piece of cake." They thought this would be a smooth transition and made no preparation for the emotions and feelings that occurred. Many people approach retirement with the idea that it is going to be a paradise when in reality the potential pitfalls are many, especially as it relates to the marital relationship.
One of the difficulties comes from a lack of understanding about the role of work in our society. Salary, an obvious consideration, is only one of the many reasons people toil and labor for many years. Work helps establish a sense of identity in our lives. Achievement, power, control, and recognition needs are often met through work. Status and a social network are often derived through employment. Going from full employment to no employment, even when this occurs in an elective manner can be quite traumatic and cause a negative impact on marriage.
The following are some suggestions that couples can consider when thinking about the relationship between retirement and marriage:
• Work structures the way we spend our time. Retirement changes this pattern and thereby changes the way that the couple spends their time together. The wife may suddenly find her husband "under her feet" disrupting the pattern of housekeeping, meals, etc. that she has held for years. The husband may feel hurt that his wife doesn't seem to want him at home the way he had expected. He may begin to feel very unwanted. They need to talk over their feelings and emotions, acknowledging that things "feel different" and adjustments need to be made.
• Retirement shouldn't mean doing nothing. It should mean doing something different. Plan ahead about keeping your day meaningfully busy prior to the time you retire. As long as health permits, keeping busy is the best advice I can give to retired people. Instead of slowing down, I recommend changing direction. "Use it or lose it," as the old saying goes.
• Don't make any dramatic moves right after retirement. Don't sell your house, move to another city, find a whole new set of friends, and change your lifestyle for several months to a year or so after you retire. The mind does not assimilate too much change over too short a period of time without ripples of stress developing. One major upheaval at a time is enough.
• Retirees can accept opinions from their adult children but should avoid becoming dependent on them for advice. Giving up too much decision making responsibility can lead to feelings of helplessness and depression. If you are "successfully rowing your own boat, don't give up the oars."
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I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
