Our Retirement Is No Bowl Of Cherries!

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My husband retired about six months ago as vice president of a large insurance company.

During his 35 years of service, he was held in high esteem by his colleagues and was very dedicated to his work. Most of his friends were at work, where he put in a six-day workweek.

Our children are grown, we are financially well-off, our health is good and we have always had a good marriage. However, since his retirement, I feel that he wants to control my activities and run household routines his way. Any suggestions on helping us adjust to this change?

-A reader in Virginia

Dear Reader:

Your request is one that I receive from readers quite often.

Many couples have gone through the challenges in their marriage of being newlyweds, having and raising children, and facing financial and health problems quite successfully, but they find that none of these events has impacted the marriage like retirement. The couple believed that if they could somehow make it through all of the other changes, retirement would be "a piece of cake."

Anticipating and expecting changes can make the adjustment to retirement easier.

One of the chief ingredients in assimilating change in the relationship is to talk about what effects these changes will produce and how they will be dealt with.

One of the difficulties comes from a lack of understanding about the role of work in our society. Work helps establish a sense of identity in our lives. Our need for achievement, power, control, and recognition needs are often met through work. Going from full employment to no employment, even when this occurs in an elective manner, can cause a negative impact on marriage.

Giving each other room psychologically and physically is important. Your husband needs to “redefine” himself by shifting his identity to new activities and people who are, perhaps, unrelated to his former career. He may benefit from an “office” or shop of his own at home to pursue his interests and have his own space. Some people become very involved in volunteer activities where helping others provides new meaning to one’s life after retirement.

Finally, some people find that retirement was not a good choice for them, and they may need to re-enter the workforce, perhaps in a new capacity.

In adjusting to all changes, the tincture of time can help a lot. Good luck on your new adventure together.