Surviving empty nest syndrome

Recently, a reader made the following request: Dear Dr. LeCrone, our last child just left yesterday for college and my husband and I have to deal with an empty nest. For many years, four children filled our lives with their friends, activities, joys and sorrows. Now, it is so quiet it is almost frightening. My husband and I have a great marriage and love each other very much. Our feelings of loss come from the change in family structure, not a bad marriage. Can you provide us with some helpful suggestions to make this transition easier? Empty nest and hurting heart.

Dear empty nest and hurting heart. Many of us have gone through what you and your husband are experiencing. As you correctly labeled this challenge facing you, you are in the process of a transition. You will probably have some good days and some bad days, especially in the beginning. Following are some suggestions that may help make this transition easier.

• Keep the new phase of life in the proper perspective. Most parents want their children to establish their own life. As they walk away, be proud that they can walk alone.

• Look forward to the freedom in this period. Plan to travel more frequently; plan to pursue activities which were held back for years; be a volunteer; grab the opportunity to take a course at a college; return to the work force and resume or begin a career.

• Plan to spend more time with your spouse if you are married. As one friend of mine said, “We had a great time together before the children came, now we’re going to pick up where we left off 20 years ago.” It can be a second honeymoon. If you are divorced, plan to spend more time with relatives and friends.

• Begin planning before the day comes. If you are a single parent, put some new interest or study into operation before you are completely alone. The transition will be less traumatic.

• Expect some feelings of loss or even some depression, although the passage of time is a healer in itself. Share your feelings with someone who has been through the process. If things don’t improve, consider professional counseling.

• Look to the future. This phase too will pass. Share in the child’s new career; think about grandchildren and future family gatherings.

• Be philosophical. Even be a little humorous. Enjoy the rest, the peace and the quiet. These are lots of advantages to the new lifestyle of an empty nest. You deserve each and every one of them.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2000