Parent seeks advice before child returns home

Recently I received the following e-mail. “Dear Dr. LeCrone. I am facing a dilemma and need your help. My son is graduating from college after having been gone from home more or less for the past five years. We supported him through college but now have other children to educate and assumed that he would be getting a job when he graduated. However, due to his field of study, and the recent economic downturn, he is unable to find a job. He has asked us if he could use our home as his “base” while he searches for work and tries to establish a career. Although we love our son very much, we have some major differences in “lifestyle”. For example, my wife and I like to retire early in the evening and he is a night owl. We place a premium on neatness and efficiency and he is rather sloppy and messy. We thought that perhaps you could give us some guidelines to help us with his return to the nest.”

Dear Reader, Unfortunately, a college education does not assure employment. Approaching this challenge with a plan can help reduce the stress associated with “reunited” families. Following are some suggestions that might help you with this situation:

• As in most relationship issues, developing a healthy dialogue around the issues at hand helps. Don’t hesitate to express your feelings, including those that you may feel awkward about expressing. Clarify perceptions and then begin talking about expectations.

• It is useful to discuss the boundaries of situations such as this. How long do your children expect to stay? Is this only a temporary, stop-gap measure until they can find a more permanent alternative? Reluctance to discuss the details of this situation could present future problems.

• Establish ground rules that you and your spouse can be comfortable with. Coming and going at odd hours, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, telephone calls late at night and entertaining guests when inconvenient for you are examples of things that need to be “ironed out” from the beginning.

• Sharing expenses may be a wise alternative if and when your adult child’s finances permit. Long distance telephone calls should certainly be considered as their responsibility.

• Both your and their privacy needs to be discussed. It is sometimes helpful to think of children returning home as “guests.” As a guest in someone’s home, you certainly respond differently than you would in a child/parent situation.

• Set up a time every week or two to discuss how you each feel about “the arrangement” and make adjustments accordingly.

Keeping communication open and a dialogue between you and your adult child can forestall many of the problems you face in a situation like this.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2001