Nurturing your children’s self-esteem

Helping shape our children’s self-esteem takes commitment and knowledge of effective parenting techniques.

First, parents need to have a clear understanding self-esteem. Recently I heard it defined in this manner:

• Self-esteem is the process of setting a value on yourself, appreciating your worth, knowing you are a valued person, having a quiet sense of self-respect.

A colleague who specializes in child psychology recently presented information to me that I would like to share.

Individuals with high self-esteem:

• Are able to appreciate and respect the worth of others.
• Are confident of their own competence.
• Believe they matter to others.
• Have fewer illnesses and worries.
• Are generally happier and more successful.
• Are able to deal with crises.
• Are able to make better and more responsible decisions.

People with low self-esteem, on the other hand, have the following characteristics. They are:

• Avoid doing things for themselves.
• Have difficulty accepting compliments.
• Have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions.
• Tend to have accepted labels like dumb, stupid, ugly, etc.
• Feel distant from those around them.
• Set themselves up for failure. They expect to be cheated.
• Need almost constant verification and validation from others.

Finally, people who have an exaggerated sense of self-esteem:

• Have an inflated ego, can do no wrong.
• Usually talk about themselves and their accomplishments a lot.
• Usually are masking feelings of inferiority or need for approval.

Emphasizing three variables – security, significance and confidence – will help children feel secure. Parents can work toward building their children’s self-esteem by following these guidelines.

• First, believe in yourself as a parent and adult. A parent who himself radiates inadequacy tends to perpetuate the cycle of low self-esteem.
• Second, parents need to provide unconditional love for their children. No rules and no limits should be prescribed; no doubts should be left in the child’s mind about the parents’ love for him.
• Parents need to communicate clearly with the child and be active listeners. Parents should not always provide solutions. They need to be honest and admit if they make a mistake or don’t understand something.
• Display respect to the child. Parents who don’t exhibit this mutual respect run the risk of letting the children become manipulative and play one parent against the other.
• Show your child that you believe in him.
• Honestly accept your child’s limits and gifts. Remember that as a parent, your job is to ensure that your child become the most they can be.
• Help develop your child’s strengths by finding his talents and helping him to develop them.
• Help your child become successful. Assist him in finding things he can do well. Let him become involved in these activities.
• Help your child understand that he can learn from a less-than-sterling performance. Less-than-successful does not mean failure.
• Help strengthen your child in weaker areas.

By concentrating on security, significance and confidence, parents can help raise healthy, happy and successful children.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2001