Mom seeking help for her very shy 6 year-old

A reader recently submitted the following question: “Dear Dr. LeCrone. My six year old son is extremely shy and I am worried about his lack of social skills development. My husband and I are both introverted, shy people and struggle with the difficulty of involving ourselves with other people. We would like to know if you have any suggestions that might help us promote less shyful behavior in our child?”

Dear Reader. Although the causes of shyness are not very well understood, most experts identify several factors as possible causes. A genetic or biological predisposition is considered by many experts to be a major component of shyness. Others have cited a less than firm attachment or bond between parent and child during early years as a contributor to shyness in children. Poor acquisition of social skills and/or traumatic treatment including frequent teasing or criticizing as a child may also lead to shyness.

You might find some of the following suggestions helpful:

• Avoid labeling your child as shy, especially in front of their friends. Children who start thinking of themselves as shy begin to act out the role thus leading to a self fulfilling prophecy. Let your child know that having difficulty “warming up” in a new situation is not a negative behavior. Express empathy and let your child know that you too have some problems in becoming comfortable in new situations. You can talk about ways that they have overcome your own difficulty and shyness by setting goals to be more outgoing and practicing being more socially expressive.

• Let the child practice becoming more outgoing in situations where they are not “in the spotlight” but initially, more on the fringes. For example, going to a park where other children are playing on playground equipment, taking a child to an entertainment event where the child is a part of a large group, or letting the child practice buying small items in a convenient store, etc. can be ways of gradually introducing the child into less shyful behavior.

• Teachers often have special training in helping children overcome shyness and can assist in the child during lunch, at recess, and other times when interaction between children is possible.

• Help children learn to identify and verbally express their emotions. Shyfulness, fearfulness and anxiety can often be diminished greatly by talking with someone who can show empathy and help the child develop cognitive strategies to overcome many of their irrational fears.

• Reward your child for outgoing behavior. Praise even slight improvements in outgoingness. Set small goals that are easy for the child to achieve and reward successes immediately with expressions of approval, hugs, smiles etc.

Good luck in your efforts to help your child with shyness. I will return to this subject in the future with suggestions for shy adults.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2001