Treat child with same respect you expect

In counseling with families, it often becomes evident that the dialogue a parent uses with a child can be the source of anger and frustration. Children are sometimes asked questions that they are unable to answer or refuse to answer. As a result, parents resort to punishments that are often unnecessary.

Sometimes the question itself is not offensive. Instead, it may the way the question is stated or the tone of voice used that causes the child to rebel or to give an unacceptable answer.

Here are some examples:

Johnny has been acting out, and his parents are embarrassed about his behavior. They scornfully ask: "When you are going to grow up?"

Johnny has heard this so many times that it has become irritating, and to him, it no longer constitutes a real question. Of course he is going to grow up, but it is his behavior as he is maturing that is the problem. Instead of asking a question that alienates the child, the parents might state it in a different way. For instance, they might say: "It would appear that you are unsure of yourself about what would be a better way to handle this situation. Here are some suggestions for improving your behavior which might work better."

Another common question which fans the flames of discord is: "Why can't you be like...?" as the parent compares the child to a sibling, friend, or relative.

Every child is an individual and does not want to be compared to anyone else. He or she wants to be liked and accepted for his or her own abilities. The parent should instead point out one of the child's strengths and say: "I like it when you show your kindness to other people” or "I like it when you try to do your very best."

Perhaps the most detrimental question of all to a child is: "Why are you so stupid?" or "so forgetful?" or "so dumb?" or...?

In their anger, parents often tack a label on a child, one that can be detrimental to a child's self-worth and stick in his or her mind throughout a lifetime. Questions such as these can make a child believe he or she really is stupid, or dumb, or ugly, or.....

Parents should stop and count to ten before they attack a child with a hurtful question or comment and should treat them with the same respect that they expect. They might even inject a little humor into a tense moment and remark: "Well, we can put this down as the goof of the day. Shall we try again another day?"

Communication between family members is a two-way street and thoughtless questions often lead to road blocks and increase misunderstandings. Whether or not a child successfully understands and responds to a parent's reprimand or message often depends on how it's phrased.

Copyright c 1997 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.