The best gifts for kids don’t come from stores

Many of us are aware of the joy that gifts bring to children, as they are at a stage in their psychological development when presents elicit a lot of anticipation and excitement. These gifts, if given with the proper perspective in mind, can be a healthy part of their holidays and follow the rituals of our own heritage and culture.

But there is another side of giving, and perhaps parents would benefit from thinking of other kinds of gifts to give to their children at this time of the year. More specifically, give them the gift of healthy parenting.

This gift includes building a child’s self-esteem, striving for positive communication, granting unconditional love and eliminating some aspects that hinder the child’s psychological development. These are gifts with true, deeper meaning that most of us would agree underlies the real spirit of the holiday season.

Here are the specifics of some of these presents:

• The gift of unconditional love means loving your children no matter what. You may not approve of their behavior, you may not like their attitude or their lifestyle and it may be necessary to take tough stances in response to their behavior. However, let your children know that you are going to love them in spite of these difficulties.

• The gift of active listening or positive communication means not trying to communicate with your child while you are preoccupied with something else, such as a phone call, dinner preparations or watching television. Instead give them your full attention with eye contact, focus and genuine interest in what they are talking about.

• Initiate physical contact. Hold them, kiss them, provide warmth and closeness as further demonstration of your affection and your love for them.

• Spend time with them. The saying that it is not the quantity of time but the quality of time is not altogether true. There has to be more than an occasional chat with children in order to keep communication open and healthy.

• Cease to demand perfectionism or set unreasonably high standards. When the child does not achieve the expected high standards, the parents may signal dissatisfaction, either directly or indirectly, overtly or covertly, obviously or subtly. Children striving to please and gain and love and recognition drive themselves harder and harder and lower their self-esteem by never attaining the desired goal.

• Tear down the walls of neglect and/or emotional abuse. For example, if alcohol and drug abuse are present in the home, the child grows up struggling to avoid being around the parent and the distance grows between parent and child.

• Eliminate discord and strife over family affairs. For instance, a constant discussion of financial problems, health issues, in-law problems or marital discord creates a basis for chronic anxiety and the child faces a future of doubt and fear.

Healthy parenting is the greatest gift a child can receive and a parent can give. Consider putting this way of giving on your holiday list.