Infidelity

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My husband and I are leading a seminar entitled Healing Wounded Marriages at a local community center and wonder if you could write something about the subject of infidelity for our group?
-A reader in Minnesota

Dear Reader:

Marital infidelity often develops from a lack of closeness and physical and /or psychological intimacy with one’s spouse. Ideally, both husband and wife let each other know on a frequent basis how they are feeling about each other, what they are giving and what they are receiving in the relationship. Developing problems, such as having one's feelings overlooked, being taken for granted, or being treated in a demeaning manner need to be discussed and then adjustments made. Differences in sexual needs, money management, problems in child rearing philosophies and in-law problems should be dealt with immediately in hopes of avoiding escalation. When communication wanes, the offended party may become vulnerable to the influence of an understanding friend who is often of the opposite sex. What starts as warmth and understanding can quickly change to psychological and physical intimacy. Both husband and wife need to guard against threats to the marriage in the same way they would protect their children, home or their own lives.

Another potential problem in a marriage begins when the couple fails to recognize the need for variety and the avoidance of rutted routines that produce boredom and oppressive predictability. Infusing life and some excitement into the relationship on a regular basis by creative, unselfish activities can breathe new life into the relationship and make it exciting again and less prone to assault from outside sources.

Extramarital relationships sometimes begin slowly and without premeditation. Affairs often start in the work setting where the individuals see one another on a frequent basis. Inappropriate discussion of marital dissatisfaction with a co-worker who listens and seems to care may leads to romantic feelings that put the marriage at risk. Professional consultation would be much more appropriate and can help a situation where persistent marital problems exist.

Guarding against the development of extra-marital relationships takes a strong commitment to one’s own marriage and the recognition and avoidance of potentially damaging outside relationships. Setting healthy boundaries with members of the opposite sex is an essential part of communicating a spouse’s commitment to his or her marriage.