Seeking some suggestions on subject of remarriage
"In your weekly column you have made numerous suggestions about improving marriages. I have been married twice now and am contemplating a third try in the near future. I think maybe I see some problem patterns in my first two marriages and wonder if you have any suggestions about helping individuals keep from repeating these same problems the second, or in my case, the third time around?" -- A reader in Idaho
Dear Idaho: Let me first congratulate you on seeking information that might lessen the risk of your next marriage ending in discontent and perhaps divorce. Let me make some suggestions and observations which might assist you:
• Unfortunately, many of us do not seem to learn from past experience, especially when highly charged emotional experiences such as love emerge. It is amazing how often people in multiple marriages repeat the same mistakes over and over. For example, those who marry individuals with alcohol or drug problems the first time often marry someone in their second or third marriage with the same problems. Another classic example is those who have married individuals with an exceptionally high need for control and power. They turn around and marry individuals who exhibit this same pattern of behavior. The reasons for doing this are often complex and more complicated that one would think. However, trying to be very objective about the problems in the first marriage and the characteristics of potential future marital partners can help lessen the likelihood of repeat difficulties. Professional assistance can sometimes help uncover the reasons for the repetitious pitfalls.
• Another example of unhealthy behavior that tends to be repeated is exhibited by individuals who are very insecure, possessive, jealous, and dependent. They drive marital partners away with these destructive patterns of behavior, and, if not corrected, can be taken into marriages beyond the first one. Healthy marriages have an absence of control and power struggles. In healthy marriages individuals see themselves as partners and best friends rather than a see-saw pattern of dominance and submissiveness.
• A common problem often seen in remarriages (whether from divorce or remarriage after the death of the first spouse) is that of blended families. This is especially true if the remarriage takes place when the children are in adolescence. Patterns of authority are questioned, differing philosophies of child rearing are often brought into the remarriage, and the child's relationship with the divorced spouse can cause difficulties in the remarriage. Many other complex factors can occur. Open discussions about the expectations of each family member needs to be addressed prior to the remarriage. A belief that everything will work out because love conquers all is both naive and foolhardy and can lead to many problems in the new blended family.
• Relationships with exes can cause difficulties in remarriages. Old wounds, bitterness and anger, alimony and child support, and other factors related to the prior marriage need to be addressed, whenever possible, prior to the remarriage.
As can be seen from the above, remarriage can present its own unique challenges and potential difficulties "the second time around." Forethought, planning, and open and honest dialogue can all make the remarriage a success.
