Avoiding Potential In-Law Problems

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My daughter is getting married this summer to a wonderful young man that she has known for several years. My wife and I are very happy for our daughter and future son in-law but have one area of concern which we would like for you to address. Our future son in-law appears to be extremely close to his mother. Our daughter tell us that he talks to his mother several times everyday and consults with her before he makes even the simplest decision.. Our daughter has expressed her concern about the potential “carry over” effect into the marriage. She has used the term “dependency” to describe the relationship between her finance and his mother and says that he has even joked about his need to “consult with the boss” before making many of his choices.

Dear Reader:

First of all you must be careful to avoid falling into the same trap that your daughter feels that she is in. Encouraging her to become too “dependent” on you for counsel could potentially create another version of the same problem that you see between your daughter’s finance and his mother. Avoiding this pitfall is going to necessitate trying to steer your daughter and future son in-law to an outside, objective source for counseling. Perhaps the clergy person that is going to marry them or a marital counselor could address the situation you describe in premarital counseling sessions.

If this is not possible then I would suggest that you encourage your daughter to seek counseling on her own. Although she might be reluctant to do this at first, the benefit of doing so will potentially far outweigh any expense or time spent attempting to help her make a major life decision like selecting a marital partner. Also, her effort to seek help on her own might encourage her fiancé to join her in conjoint counseling at a later time but, before the marriage takes place.

Parents can be a wonderful source of support, encouragement, inspiration and example for their grown children. Advice on most issues however, should usually be left to someone outside the family. The trained objectivity of a professional counselor can give information and guidance to the individual seeking help thus increasing the likelihood that healthy choices and options can be made.