In the mental-health profession, those of us who have been involved in marital counseling find that an issue that frequently emerges as a problem within the marriage is that of in-laws.
Conflicts in this area can begin as early as the wedding itself. An old saying goes something like this: There are at least six people in a marriage – the bridge, the groom and each one’s parents.
After the marriage, a new relationship begins. At this point the couple must put each other first – all relationships with relatives have to fall in place after this.
Because the relationship with the family of origin may be a little different at this point, trouble could arise or stress could begin. Learning to break away from the old family and form a new one is a process as old as the institution of marriage. Many young couples realize that problems develop around this process of change. Such problems include:
• The homesick bridge who years for Mama and Papa to provide warmth, attention and understanding of her faults.
• The newlywed husband who says, “My mother never fixed my eggs this way.”
• We have to spend Christmas with my family.
• We will have Thanksgiving dinner with your family.
• My mother said we should start a family in a year.
• My mother said we should wait.
• My father said never borrow money to pay for a car.
• My father said establishing credit makes good business sense.
Personally, I have been blessed with wonderful, understanding and sensitive in-laws. The process of establishing this wonderful relationship began before the marriage. My father-in-law told me he would refrain from ever giving advice and that he would express an opinion only if asked. He went on to say that if he did give an opinion, I was free to take it or leave it, and no hard feelings would result if I disagreed with him. During the 24 years of my marriage he has never deviated from this policy.
I never realized how much I appreciated him until I listened in counseling sessions to the many cases of unsolicited advice given by in=laws to their married children.
The principles I am suggesting here are:
• Respect your child and his or her spouse and believe you have guided him or her well enough that they are now capable of making adult decisions.
• Offer advice when asked with a clear understanding that the ultimate decision belongs to them.
Next week I will continue to talk about in-law relationships that show respect, independence, concern and mutual love.
Hi.
I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
