Dealing With A Critical Mother In Law

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My mother-in law constantly criticizes me when we are alone, and I dread being in her presence. She doesn’t approve of our marriage because she wanted my husband to marry “blue blood,” which I am not. Her venomous statements began shortly after my husband and I were married, but the attacks have become more frequent and intense during the last few years. My husband has pointed out to her how upset I become when she attacks me, and this seems to cause her to be even more hurtful to me. She has a lot of money, and he is afraid that she will leave it all to his brothers if he is too confrontational with her. Her bulling behavior has left her with few friends and she often turns to me when she wants company. Please tell me how to handle this miserable situation.

-An unhappy reader

Dear Unhappy:

You might start off by asking your husband how much money your self-esteem is worth. In my opinion, some boundaries need to be set here for your sake regardless of the financial consequences. That being said, there are some strategies that you can use to hopefully modify her behavior.

You refer to her bulling behavior and dearth of friends, which probably means that her biting barbs are nondiscriminatory. She is wretched to everyone, making you simply someone who is in the wrong place at the wrong time. If she chooses to turn to you for company and then becomes critical, you too have choices and can set your own boundaries in this interaction. A statement from you such as “I feel put down when I am spoken to in a critical and derogatory way, and, therefore, I will find more pleasant activities elsewhere.” Your point can give her the option of altering her critical statements to you.

You mentioned that she criticizes you when the two of you are alone, so structure things where you are only in her presence in groups. Family gatherings rather than telephone conversations or lunch for two should help.

Redirecting the conversation such as changing the subject if she becomes critical can also be of assistance although don’t be too disappointed if this strategy is not successful.

Having your husband’s support in whatever you decide to do is important. I hope these thoughts are helpful.