Perfectionist may cause downfall of good marriage

Last week we discussed two situations where an individual’s behavioral style and outlook on life directly influenced the marital relationship and produced a great deal of dissatisfaction and conflict in the relationship. Let us take a look at a third situation where other problems have developed.

• See Jane, the perfectionist.

Jane could remember from early childhood her extremely strong need to excel in everything she did. Always a straight “A” student, becoming valedictorian of her class became such an obsession that she neglected the development of any social skills to have more time to study and be No. 1 in her class. She did begin dancing classes, but after completing her studies she spent endless practice time on ballet routines. A brief attempt at becoming a Girl Scout was a failure because of inability to keep in perspective the purpose of this endeavor. Her lack of flexibility in performing simple scouting tasks caused the group to feel tension.

Her obsessive need for acceptance and approval was apparent and obvious to her teachers. Their concern prompted consultation with Jane’s parents on numerous occasions, only to meet a disbelieving and unconcerned parent attitude.

Jane earned a doctorate degree and went into a vocation with a great deal of status, prestige and financial renumeration. She was the envy of most of her women friends. Up to the time she married, things moved fairly smoothly. But after that point Jane began to sense the loss of control in her life.

Having to blend and merge her need with Jim’s became quite a strain. Her gross inadequacy in seeing the gray areas of life instead of simply the blacks and whites and her inflexibility in problem solving produced the earliest cracks in her very brittle psychological makeup. The crowning blow came when she began to have children.

Unable to cope with stress, she developed sleeping problems. Over the counter medications seemed harmless, but this led to obtaining prescription medications. Her problems grew worse. She had no tolerance for ambiguity and change. Everything got on her nerves including her husband and children.

Meanwhile Jim was busy in his own career trying to make a living for the family. Although he wanted to help Jane, he lacked an understanding of the true nature of her problem. Not only had verbal communication ceased to exist between Jane and Jim, but the physical aspects of their marriage had deteriorated markedly. Jane’s interest in sex was zero. Each time that Jim approached her she had new excuse and eventually she began retiring at least an hour before he did so that she could feign sleep.

Jim’s suggestion for marriage counseling made her defensive. She refused, causing Jim to feel even more rejected in the relationship. The eventual result of this unhappy situation was that Jane’s condition deteriorated to the point that she eventually needed hospitalization and rather intensive long-term treatment for her problems.

How could these situations possibly have been avoided? And what could such women do to make life more comfortable for their families?

Just as individuals can avoid some of the risks of lung cancer by not smoking, and the risk of heart trouble by cutting down on salt and cholesterol intake, so can parents decrease the risk of unhappy adult lives and marriages by providing the proper kind of psychological atmosphere for children as they are growing up.

Next week we will try to analyze the cases of Sue, Ann and Jane and look at ways of prevention.