Some women can make life lousy for spouse, family

In a recent series of articles I described a group of men, some were husbands, who made life miserable for women. And because counselors often see women who produce the same effect on men, I would like to describe the characteristics and behaviors of some of these women.

Sue was raised in a household where there was a great deal of strife and conflict between her parents and other family members. She recalled that a constant battle raged in the household and much of the communication between various family members consisted of yelling and screaming.

Her mother, who was her role model, was impulsive, pessimistic, and always complaining about something. She yelled and screamed at Sue’s father and even threw things at him when she was mad.

Sue’s father frequently didn’t bring home his paycheck. When he did, her mother spent it as fast as she could before he could ask for any of the money back. She had little respect for her father. She grew up not trusting men in general.

Joe was a quiet stable man who didn’t resemble her father, but after she married him she found that her feelings and lack of respect for men attached themselves to Joe. After a few years of marriage she was a nagging, often bitter “fishwife.” Although her friends and even her mother exclaimed how lucky she was to have a stable, hard-working and loving husband like Joe, she could not overcome the negative feelings she had toward him. Her outlook on life became increasingly pessimistic, her misery multiplied to the point that she could be described as “not being happy unless she was unhappy.”

Her insecurity and need for approval left her with an insatiable craving for attention and positive reinforcement.

It seemed to Joe that the harder he tried to please her, the more she seemed to resent him. When he finally woke up one morning and decided that he was going to move out for a while, she went into such a hysterical rage the neighbors had to call the police to subdue her.

• Ann had doting and overly protective parents who catered to her every whim and desire. When she was young, she was not permitted to go to the circus with friends because her mother learned there was an epidemic of measles in town and she wanted to protect Ann.

Her parents insisted she live at home instead of in the dormitory when she enrolled in college in her own hometown. Ann’s lack of self-confidence and self-efficiency produced a tremendous dependency need. By the time she married, she was a real “clinging vine.”

At first Sam enjoyed the role of protector and key provider for all of her emotional and material needs. But after a few years, he began to feel trapped and more like a baby-sitter than a husband.

Ann’s anxieties and fears developed into true phobias. After a time she became almost housebound, petrified of the thought of driving the family car anywhere on her own. Her irrational fears took the form of extreme jealousy. She began to believe that Sam was involved with other women and plotting to leave her.

Eventually Ann’s fear became a self-fulfilling prophecy and Sam felt he could no longer endure the exaggerated and unneeded responsibilities placed upon him. Beginning to fear for his own sanity, he filed for divorce.

Next week I will discuss a third type of situation where psychological problems cause a great deal of conflict and dissatisfaction in marriage.