Sir Galahad often erodes, saps wife’s self-confidence

Last week I discussed the type of man with characteristics and patterns of interacting with women that can leave the woman not only brokenhearted but also full of self-doubt and depression.

The man, who on the surface appears to be Sir Galahad, is often able to put Darth Vader to shame with his destructive qualities. His charm sweeps women off their feet, then leaves them in a heap.

His type has been around since the caveman. Today, instead of dragging a woman around by her hear and beating her with a club, he demolishes her with his sarcastic words and ego deflating attacks. Physical abuse is sometimes part of his domination.

If a woman is unfortunate enough to marry one of these individuals, what can she expect?

• First of all, it is important to remember that this type of man is not attracted to the unattractive, unintelligent woman. He seeks only the best. His taste runs more toward the Cadillac of even Rolls Royce, in both women and cars. As a consequence, he will marry a woman with a great deal of self-esteem and hardiness. But over a period of time, he washes away her foundation like a sandcastle built to withstand a rainstorm.

• Second, consider how he spins his web. Mary grew up in a stable home with two loving parents and a healthy relationship with her siblings. She graduated from college with honors and went on to become a successful owner of an art gallery, specializing in rare paintings. She was bright, attractive and earned enough money to travel to interesting places several times a year. Her life seemed to have everything she needed until John cam along.

She met him at a party and from the moment she was introduced to him she knew he was unlike anyone else she had ever met. Looking into his eyes for the first time caused her to stop breathing.

During the next few weeks, John displayed persuasiveness with the creative attributes of the finest salesman in the world. Although Mary had loving parents and had earned respect from her friends and colleagues, she didn’t know she could feel so special. John was educated, widely traveled and had self-confidence that appeared to stop just short of arrogance.

When some of Mary’s friends told her they feared John might be a con man, she attributed these statements to jealousy and envy. Before long she was seeing only John and his friends.

After John and Mary had been married for about six months, she noted subtle changes surfacing. He came home later at night. On weekends he spent more time with the “boys.” He seemed to be distant to her, often snapping at her and putting her down instead of building her up. His sexual prowess changed, somehow making her feel inadequate in this area, too. Mary began to feel that their relationship was simply a common roof overhead and a joint bank account.

Determined to make their marriage work, Mary had a child and even gave up her business to stay at home and become a devoted wife and mother. But her feelings of self-worth diminished even further and she found herself in frequent periods of depression.

But John rolled on. He bought a new car, changed the gold chains around his neck and frequently had more buttons open on his shirt when he came home from work. By the time Mary felt that she had lost control, she accidentally met John’s first wife at the home of a mutual friend and learned that John was repeating the same cycle of behavior that broke up his first marriage.

Mary eventually made some changes in her life that put her back on the road to becoming a whole person again. Next week we will discuss the pain of action that helped Mary.