Men who destroy their wives self esteem

Last week we discussed the type of man with characteristics and patterns of interacting with women which can leave the woman not only broken-hearted but also full of self-doubt and depression. The man, who on the surface appears to be Sir Galahad, is often able to put Darth Vader to shame with his destructive qualities. His charm sweeps women off their feet, and then leaves them in a heap. His type has been around since the caveman. Today, instead of dragging women around by their hair and beating them with a club, he demolishes them with his sarcastic words and ego deflating attacks. Physical abuse is often part of his domination over women.

If a woman is misfortunate enough to marry one of these individuals, what can she expect?

• First of all, it is important to remember that this type of man is not attracted to the unattractive, unintelligent woman. He seeks only the best. His taste runs more toward the Cadillac or even Rolls Royce, in both women and cars. As a consequence, he often married a person with relatively healthy self-esteem and happy childhood. But over a period of time he washes away their foundation like a sandcastle built to withstand a rainstorm.

• Second, consider how he spins his web. Mary grew up in a very stable home with two loving parents and a healthy relationship with her siblings. She graduated from college with honors and went on to become a very successful owner of an art gallery, specializing in rare paintings. She was bright, attractive, and earned enough money to travel to interesting places several times a year. Her life seemed to have everything she needed until John came along.

She met him at a party and from the moment she was introduced to him she knew that he was unlike anyone else she had ever met. Looking into his eyes for the first time caused her to stop breathing. There was a chemistry she had never experienced. Soon their conversation excluded everyone else at the party.

During the next few weeks John displayed persuasiveness with the creative attributes of the finest salesman in the world. Although Mary had loving parents and had earned respect from her friends and colleagues, she didn't know how she could feel so special. John was educated, widely traveled, and has self-confidence that appeared to stop just short of arrogance.

When some of Mary's friends told her they feared John might be a con man, she attributed these statements to jealousy and envy. Before long she was seeing only John and his friends. He slowly began to discourage and eventually forbid the relationship with her family and friends.

After John and Mary had been married for about six months she noted subtle changes surfacing. He came home later at night. On weekends he spent more time with the "boys." He seemed to be distant to her, often snapping at her and putting her down instead of building her up. His sexual prowess changed, somehow making her feel inadequate in this area too. Mary began to feel that their relationship was simply a common roof overhead. He took charge of the joint bank account and began to demand complete control in her life.

Determined to make the marriage work, Mary had a child and even gave up her business to stay at home and become a devoted wife and mother. But her feelings of self-worth diminished even further and she found herself in frequent periods of depression.

But John rolled on. He bought a new car, changed the gold chains around his neck and frequently had one more button open on his shirt when he came from work. By the time Mary felt that she had lost control, she accidentally met John's first wife at the home of a mutual friend and learned that John was repeating the same cycled type of behavior.

Mary eventually made such changes in her life that put her back on the road to becoming a whole person again. Next week we will discuss the plan of action that helped Mary.