Effective father 1st an effective husband

Recently, while searching through the attic for the parts of a baby bed that would be reassembled for our first granddaughter, I thought about my many years of fatherhood.

Time flies when you are having a good time, as the old saying goes. And as I reflected on these happy years, it seemed like only yesterday that I celebrated my first Father’s Day as a father.

Parenting has been both a great challenge and an exciting adventure for my wife and me. Prior to the birth of our first child, we had both completed our years at universities of our choice and had been married for several years.

I suppose you could say that we were not only ready, but were eager to become parents and to be as good at parenting as our parents had been. Although, as we soon found out, our late 20s “wisdom” and formal education did not automatically assure us of the skills necessary for effective parenting.

In fact, when our first child was 6 months old, the director of his day care threatened to expel him because he was “so spoiled” that her staff had trouble caring for him.

During my early 30 years as a father and practicing psychologist, the opportunity for reflecting on the elements of effective fatherhood has arisen many times.

Let me share some of these on Father’s Day with you.

• If married, being an effective father starts by being an effective husband. (And effective mothers are also first and foremost, effective wives.)

The relationship you have with your spouse is the bedrock of healthy communication patterns formed by your view of relationships, your commitment to your family and your philosophy of parenting.

All of this adds up to a profound opportunity and certainly an ongoing challenge. The tragedy of so many single parent families is that children are often reared primarily by the mother, and the father is removed from the picture as a significant caregiver.

• If you want to be a good father, make being with your children a top priority. Effective fathers view parenting as second only to their role as a husband. They put work, hobbies, friends and everything else behind parenting.
• Effective fathers are emotionally close to their children. Showing affection, talking about feelings and give unconditional love is a cornerstone in healthy fatherhood. Fathers can be a confident, can share humor and laughter and can sustain a child in times of small hurts, as well as failures and sadness.
• Effective fathers have usually had an effective father as a role model or have found that role model in another significant individual who gave them goals in life, taught them the skills of daily living and shared with them unforgettable moments of trust and understanding.

The role that a father provides as caregiver and provider is unique. If you are a father, enjoy this special day.