Problems may reflect the marriage

Being happily married can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life.

For most individuals, a list of life’s satisfactory experiences would include:

• A career that provides satisfaction.

• Happy, healthy children.

• Financial security.

• Friends.

Those experiences may be ranked in many different orders, but a happy marriage will be at the top of the list for the majority.

Knowing that marriage is a top priority, why is it that so many couples fail to give it prioritized attention? Basically, our careers, taking care of our children, and even our leisure time activities frequently focus our attention away from our relationship with our spouse. When this happens, marital difficulties may occur.

Those of us who counsel couples with marital difficulties detect early signs or characteristics of an unhealthy marriage. I would like to share my thoughts today on some of those. You can judge if your marriage is on the rocks or headed that way.

• Do you have difficulty in talking over situations that require duel input without having these discussions turn into a fight? Couples in dysfunctional relationships frequently begin to avoid talking about anything except superficial issues, fearing the resulting argument.

• Do you have frequent feelings of sadness, despair and unhappiness even though most of the other areas in your life, besides your marriage, appear to be satisfactory?

• Do you find it difficult to show affection to your spouse, not wanting to touch or be touched by him or her or even avoiding situations where physical contact would seem appropriate?

• Do you frequently focus on your spouse’s shortcomings or have feelings of irritability about their behavior, mannerisms or attitudes?

• Do you find more satisfaction in the company of your children, friends, or relatives?

• Do you daydream or fantasize about what life would be like without your spouse?

• Are you often attracted to members of the opposite sex in social situations, at work or in leisure activities?

• Do you frequently neglect considering the feelings, wishes, desires, likes or dislikes of your spouse?

• Has the fun gone out of the time spent together? Do you fail to see the humor when small mistakes are made?

• Do you remember special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays?

• Do you get frequent feedback from your spouse that you are less than supportive, unwilling or unable to compliment them on accomplishments? Is it a rare occasion when you comment on a good point?

• Is there a feeling of “deadness” in your marriage? Do you throw yourself into activities outside the marriage to find satisfaction in life?

• Are you beginning to question your commitment to marriage? Have you looked at other failed marriages and seen signs that yours may be headed in that direction?

• Are you drawn to conversations with divorcees, asking them if divorced life is working for them?

Before you conclude that your marriage is definitely on the rocks, keep in mind that all of us may experience some of these thoughts, feelings or behaviors at times without having it lead to a divorce. When these warning signs persist, however, and occur in clusters, then the relationship may need a closer look and an objective assessment. Counseling by a trained professional may serve to repair damage to a marriage on the rocks, and should be considered before throwing in the towel.