Teaching children how to handle their anger

One of the areas of help most requested by parents and educators is that of teaching kids how to control themselves when they get mad. These problems seem to be exacerbated by the aggressive and violent society we live in, and many find that strategies used in the past simply do not work anymore.

Usually when we get angry we do one of two things, we either lash out and hurt someone either verbally or physically, or we suppress our anger and brood, sulk, or intensify the anger by continually rehashing it.

When a child is young and does something wrong, parents often are tempted to say, "If you do that again, you're really going to get it." And this "sentence" is often reinforced by movies, television, and even people they look up to as role models. They learn only to punch, kick, or hit. Physical punishment by a parent often results in children deciding it is the best way to settle any dispute, large or small.

But suppressing the angry feelings isn't the best way to teach kids to control their feelings, either. It may even cause the child to become angrier. Talking to them and having them tell you how they feel is a better way.

Starting with a small child, it is necessary to help them visibly see what people do when they get mad. Pictures of angry faces, movements, loud voices, and witnessing actual episodes clearly demonstrate a person's mad behavior. Then tell them it is okay to get mad. That anger is one of the feelings everybody has which erupts when we feel we have been wronged. But it is how we handle that feeling that makes the difference. It is not okay to hurt somebody and not a good idea to keep the anger inside without talking about it to someone.

Older children can be taught to stop and calm themselves when they get mad, to think about what might happen if they lose self-control. They can talk to someone about it and then get rid of the anger, diverting it through physical activity or changing to doing something they really enjoy.

All children need to be taught to forgive and forget. At school, kids get mad at their "best" friend. They complain that the friend was not fair, would not let them play with their toy, or wanted to play with someone else. You can help children understand that making friends and keeping friends requires work on their part. Teach them to apologize and make up. Tell them that just because you are mad today doesn't mean that your feelings won't change and that tomorrow you may be happy. Friends can work things out.

Teach them that we all have feelings, we may be glad, we may be sad, or we may be mad. That those feelings are part of all of us. Sometimes things happen because one of us is sad or mad and we do things we wouldn't do otherwise. Sometimes the best way to handle this is to leave it alone. Sometimes it isn't worth it to get angry or to make a big deal out of some inconsequential event.

Children can understand about anger. It is one of the first emotions they experience. It is a way to tell the world that we don't like something. But not liking it doesn't mean we have to hurt someone else to change it.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.