Do-overs relieve stress of perfection

When my children were young, many of their favorite activities involved "do-overs." For those of you unfamiliar with this term, do-overs are second chances.

Examples of do-overs in adult games are golf with the mulligan- a second drive- on the first hole. The second serve in tennis is a do-over as is the re-taking of an examination by the lucky student whose instructor believed their story of misfortune on the first taking of the exam.

Do-overs do many things in life for us. They often take the "life or death" element out of the first attempt at something.

They often decrease anxiety by spreading the chance of success over more trials. They can make things more fun by reducing the seriousness of the one and only chance at something.

Unfortunately, many individuals were brought up and taught to live by such statements as, "Anything worth doing is worth doing right the first time."

How many of you have heard the following admonition when growing up, "Do it right the first time or don't do it at all." I once heard a coach in a young children's athletic contest tell his players, "Second attempts are for losers and slow learners." Or how about the both irrational and prejudicial statement, "Second chances are for midgets and monks."

Ask yourself how often you are dissuaded from attempting some task or new opportunity because you are afraid that you might not complete it successfully on the first attempt.

Creativity is often stifled because of concern about needing to succeed on the initial try at something.

Parents often send such messages to their children as "now let's be sure you get it right on your first try."

The child then begins to develop anxiety and doubt about their capabilities, leading them to reluctance about attempting anything but sure bets, 100% gold plated guaranteed successes.

There are obviously situations in life that do not lend themselves to do-overs.

Those providing a service to others in fields such as medicine, law, and education may in many instances, need exactness on the first attempt at solving a problem. The luxury of do-overs may not be an option in their work.

The problem for many of these individuals develops, however, when this need for exactness in their job extends into other areas of their lives.

This need for perfection is imposed on those around them often creating a great deal of unnecessary stress. The individual who rarely or never sees do-overs as an option in their lives views life in terms of extremes such as black or white, stop or go, right or wrong—never considering stages that might exist in-between these extremes.

For these perfectionists I offer a suggestion. Consider areas of your life where do-overs are an option and see if these areas can be expanded.

Is making sure you do it right the first time as necessary as you perceive it to be?

"Cut yourself some slack" and give yourself some do-overs.

Copyright c 1994 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.