Relieve stress by giving yourself do-overs

“Dear Dr. LeCrone, several years ago you wrote a column on relieving stress by giving yourself “do-overs”. I lost my copy and wonder if you could repeat his helpful information.”

When my children were young, many of their favorite activities involved “do-overs.” For those of you unfamiliar with this term, do-overs are second chances.

Examples of do-overs in adult games are golf with the mulligan – a second drive – on the first hole. The second serve in tennis is a do-over, as is the retaking of an examination by the lucky student whose instructor believed his story of misfortune on the first taking of the exam.

Do-overs do many things in life for us.

They take the “life or death” element out of the first attempt at something. Anxiety is decreased by spreading the chance of success over more trials. Reducing the seriousness that comes when you have one and only one chance at something can make events more fun.

Unfortunately, many individuals were brought up and taught to live by such statements as, “Anything worth doing is worth doing right the first time,” or “do it right the first time or don’t do it at all.”

During an athletic contest involving young children, I once heard a coach tell his players, “Second attempts are for losers and slow learners.”

Ask yourself how often you are dissuaded from attempting some task or new opportunity because you are afraid you might not complete it successfully on the first attempt.

Creativity is often stifled because of concern about needing to succeed on the initial try at something.

Parents often send such messages to their children such as “now let’s be sure you get it right on your first try.”

The child then begins to develop anxiety and doubt about his or her capabilities, leading the child to be reluctant about attempting anything but sure bets, 100 percent gold plated guaranteed successes.

There are obviously situations in life that do not lend themselves to do-overs.

Those providing a service to others in fields such as medicine, law and education may, in many instances, need exactness on the first attempt.

The problem for many of these individuals develops, however, when they extend this need for exactness in their job into other areas of their lives not requiring this same degree of perfection.

This need for perfection is imposed on those around them, often creating a great deal of unnecessary stress.

Individuals who rarely or never see do-overs as an option in their lives, often view life in terms of extremes such as black or white, stop or go, right or wrong.

For these perfectionists I offer a suggestion. Consider areas of your life where do-overs are an option and see if these areas can be expanded.

Is making sure you do it right the first time as necessary as you perceive it to be?

“Cut yourself some slack” and give yourself some do-overs.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2000