Evaluate Impact of Feelings on Others

During a recent counseling session, a young man expressed the pain, anger, and resentment he was experiencing. He felt his parents’ praise and attention often favored his siblings.

Identification with Cinderella was easy for this child, giving rise to his perception of being the black sheep in the family. As time passed, the young man said he grew increasingly isolated and unhappy and began a downward spiral of dejection and despair.

When talking with his parents, I found they agreed wit his assessment of the situation. According to them, he rarely displayed the talents of their other children and was somewhat of a misfit.

My evaluation of his abilities and personality differed from that of his parents. I found him bright, personable, and brimming with desire for acceptance and love. His teachers and relatives had mostly good things to say about him. Even his parents begrudgingly admitted this.

Why then did the parents have such a bias against him? The reasons were numerous and complex, dating back to his infancy. Since his parents had no insight into the problem, I knew that helping them achieve a healthier perspective would be a challenge, although certainly achievable with cooperation and time. Perceptions on both sides would need to change.

An interesting parallel to this problem can exist within an organization, resulting in decreased productivity, morale, and even eventual destruction of the organization if left unchecked.

A supervisor showed favoritism to selected employees may go unnoticed by all but the “unchosen.” In giving feedback, this supervisor may express subtle forms of verbal differences to some while giving choice assignments, lighter duties, and recognition to others.

The supervisor may fail to recognize the havoc imposed on the staff until some good employees begin suffering from unnecessary job stress. Some may leave the organization in silent protest.

We all show preferences when making choices. This is a normal part of living. If, however, we don’t evaluate the outcome of our preferences, especially when dealing with people, we can inflict pain and suffering.

Taking the time to evaluate our impact on others is a good start.


Are we making decisions based on what is good for everyone or simply making choices on what is good for us?
Are we being honest with ourselves in arriving at these decisions? Have we looked at the situation from several perspectives or simply focused on what is easiest for us at the time?

There are several things we can do to ensure we are dealing fairly in relationships.

• Periodically take the time to step back from the way you deal with those around you.

• Look at their side and determine how they might be feeling about your decisions, attitudes, and behaviors.

• Ask for and listen to feedback from those whose lives you are impacting.

• A relationship should not be a one-way street.

The young man and his family now have an ongoing dialogue and are improving their family life. Their perceptions are changing.

Copyright © 1992 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.