Dealing With Big Egos

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I work for a group of people with huge egos but the pay is good and I like the work itself. I don’t think that these egotists are truly mean, but instead I suspect that they are a bunch of control freaks. My immediate supervisor says that I am going to have to learn to deal with these people the best I can, but the stress is pretty bad at times. This is my first job since getting out of school and I need help.

-A reader in California

Dear reader:

Avoid falling into the trap of dueling with these people for control and power. This approach is often a no-win situation. The struggle escalates between you and the difficult person until you are playing on his battlefield. He may finally make you angry and upset enough to say things that can have negative consequences for you.

Empathic responses when dealing with people like you describe can often produce a calming effect on them. For example, reply: "I am sorry that you are unhappy with this situation; let's see what I can do to help," or "What you are telling me makes me think you are pretty upset. Let's see what I can do to help." Empathetic responses send messages that you hear the senders and care about their concerns.

If you work in an organization that permits rotating personnel, consider a time-limited tour of duty for those coming into contact with the difficult person. Being able to do something else within the organization for awhile may help.

Reframe the situation so that you view the difficult person as an individual with impaired, handicapped communication and interpersonal skills. A control freak is often chronically insecure, uptight, and hard for anybody to be around. You didn’t cause her to be like she is and you can’t change her. Be glad that you aren’t suffering from her neurosis or having to be with her outside of work. Depersonalizing the situation can help you a lot.

Sharing thoughts and feelings with others who are "under assault" can also reduce the stress. Trying to see the humorous side of your situation can also help. Big egos can be pretty foolish and funny.

Consider your situation a good learning experience because the world is full of big egos and we all have to learn to deal with them.

Copyright © 2006 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.