Dear Dr. LeCrone,
Well, it happened again and I thought I needed some insight to my behavior.
This is the scenario. Whenever I am conversing with friends, I listen intently to what they are saying. I ask the appropriate questions to show I am interested. After they finish, I start to tell them, what I am doing and they change the subject. As an example, I just got off the phone with a friend after listening to her for over one hour telling me about the various activities she is involved with, cruises, visits with friends, etc. After I listened intently to her, I started to tell her of my activities and she said she had to go because a neighbor was fixing her fence and she wanted to see how he was doing. What is it about my behavior that allows them to do that and how can I change it? This has been a recurring problem with me and I am beginning to feel discounted.
Dear Reader:
I have heard variations of your problem many times over the years. Let me briefly attempt to address your question.
A lack of self-awareness, including their own negative impact on others, may be at the root of your friends’ behavior. Self-absorption and self-centeredness may be characteristics of those who love to hear themselves talk. Also, you may be encouraging your friends to dominate the conversation by your intended polite but passive conversational style.
Perhaps you are perceived by others as being a very enthusiastic and willing listener who has little need to contribute to the conversation. Over time, this can produce the feeling of being discounted that you mentioned.
There are certainly other possible explanations for the scenario you present but if my first guess is correct, you might want to consider the following communication strategy.
Each time a “conversation hog” calls you, let the caller know at the beginning of the conversation that you too have things to share and then ask them to let you first “tell your story”. This assertive approach may allow you to give your less than insightful friends a new perspective on conversations with you. Those unwilling or unable to understand your needs may then cause you to change your perspective on the friendship.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 2004