Helping the Rescuer Using Cognitive Behavior Therapy

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I want to change my longstanding need to fix other people’s problems and be seen as a rescuer. Most of my friends and family come to me with their problems and dump them in my lap. I have begun to resent this role but don’t seem to be able to change. What can you suggest?

-A reader in Massachusetts

Dear Reader:

The core problem of people who are unhappy rescuers and fixers is often an excessive need for approval and recognition. Their own self-esteem is lacking and they become a variation of the "the people pleaser." Instead of being appropriately empathetic and caring, they become like a sponge which soaks up everyone else's problems. They often develop a reputation of being "on call" for any and every crisis that develops and they tend to neglect their own needs and responsibilities.

Some of your friends and family may be “needy” people. Others may simply be aware that you will do tasks that they do not want to do. You, on the other hand, may be viewing life with a set of beliefs and assumptions that disallow you to set healthy boundaries in relationships, especially when it comes to the requests of other people. The result is often a very unhealthy relationship in which neither party functions in a psychologically healthy manner.

Rescuers need to develop insight and awareness of this problem and make a conscious decision to give up the role of rescuer. They need to let compassion and empathy become a healthy but not overdone part of their lives. Changing longstanding patterns of thinking and behaving takes time and hard work.

A good place to begin is learning how to say “NO” and setting healthy, appropriate limits on being of assistance to others. Some people need professional counseling to make this change. Others may benefit from a support group which teaches assertiveness training and self-esteem enhancement. One excellent resource is a book entitled YOUR PERFECT RIGHT, by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons.

As you set healthier boundaries, you will have to deal with the possible negative response of those who relied on you for their total care and comfort. Their attitudes may present a challenge but new boundaries must be established so that people do not constantly look to you to solve their problems.

Good luck in your efforts to make a very worthwhile change.

Copyright © 2006 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.