Find independence in all stages of life

When selecting a topic for Independence Day, I began to think of situations in which freedom and independence – the foundation for our Fourth of July celebration – have surfaced in counseling clients.

One of the most frequent examples of these basic needs occurs during the adolescent’s struggle to make the transition from childhood into adulthood. Adolescent years are marked by, among other things, a desire and a need to establish an identity separate from parents. In doing so, a period of tension often develops as children struggles in search of their own way of looking at and responding to the world they live in.

The young person wants freedom and independence. But the young person realizes that need for a roof over this or her head as well as someone to foot the bills while they engage in this new endeavor.

It’s as though they are saying to their parents, “I want my freedom and independence, but you need to support me while I do my thing.” Needless to say, many parents have a difficult time reconciling these two seemingly contradictory requests.

Parents with a healthy understanding of this sometimes difficult transition strive to meet both requests of their child within certain boundaries. Parents try to explain that certain responsibilities and expectations must come with the freedom and independence and that the adolescent must demonstrate their ability to balance responsibility with freedom.

Without these boundaries and limitations, healthy psychological and physical growth may not develop. Children are really saying, “I want freedom and independence; help me find out how much I can and should handle at this time.”

Another area where a request for freedom and independence arises involves marital dysfunction. Control issues are among the most prevalent of discords in unhappy marriages.

Prolonged periods where control issues dominate the relationship often result in a statement such as, “I want my independence and freedom out of this marriage.” Unfortunately, many couples wait until long periods of disharmony have transpired before addressing the problem of control.

Research on happy marriages has shown that couples are happiest when power and control are shared. The husband and wife make decisions together listening to and respecting each other’s point of view.

As one authority on marital relationships ahs said, a chronically conflictual marriage is characterized by “unceasing battle.” Each partner struggles for dominance. Neither appears capable of sharing power and control. In a healthy marriage, however; each partner has autonomy to experience a healthy sense of self.

Healthy married couples feel capable of standing on their own two feet. There is enough separateness in the relationship that neither feels smothered or stifled, but instead experiences a feeling of independence and freedom within a close relationship.

My last example is noted when individuals experience unhappiness in their work, the cause is often lack of freedom and independence. As one person told me recently, “I feel trapped in my job.”

This unfortunate set of circumstances is experienced by many, particularly in a recessionary economy where jobs are not plentiful. Many employers promote this feeling in their employees by discouraging creativity, independent thinking, and participation in decision making activities within the organization.

Feelings of independence and freedom can be developed when the employer begins to consider each individual’s potentially unique contributions to the organization and lets employees participate in decision making and management.

Copyright c 1998 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.