How To Converse With An Exploder

Dear Hap:

I have a great deal of anxiety and anger when I try to converse with a person who wants to control and dominate the conversation. I am not referring to conversations with someone like a very long-winded friend who just talks a lot. Rather, I’m talking about someone who routinely expresses his or feelings in a harsh, aggressive, angry, in-your-face manner. I would like to state my opinion, but I often say nothing and end up getting very angry, upset and stew for hours afterwards. Is there any way to have a civil discussion with people like this?


Dear Reader:

This oppressor sounds like he or she may be what is called an exploder. Exploders often have short fuses and become hot under the collar with little provocation.

Getting to say what you want to with a person like you describe takes skill, patience and a cool head on your part.

First of all, try to simply listen to his ranting and ravings in an unemotional but attentive manner. Give the individual your whole attention. He may crave attention and if you can provide it, you may break the barrier and get the chance to express yourself.

Listen to the person’s point of view even you are not in agreement. Let this person wind down and hopefully let off steam.

The one-sided conversation will often slow down and allow you to insert a statement of agreement on one or two points no matter how small or insignificant. This affirmation often causes a change of body language. You can visibly see the person relax and his hostility seems to notably diminish.

You should then have a chance to express your opinion in a non-hostile way.

Be assertive without being aggressive. You may or may not elicit concurrence from the person, but hopefully you will have opened the door to a more productive conversation. As your skill improves, he or she may become your listener.

Divert the exploder’s attention with a planned interruption, such as, “Let’s discuss this topic later time,” or “How about a cup of coffee?”

If these strategies fail to modify the exploder’s tirade you may want to walk away from the conversation indicating your lack of willingness to tolerate this behavior.

If he or she wants to resume the conversation demand a civil discussion. These methods may help the exploder realize that a conversation with you should be two-sided.