My Boyfriend Wants To Keep Me On A Short Leash

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

After graduating from high school I left for college, and my boyfriend of three years decided to stay and work in the town where we live.

Before I left we agreed not to date other people, but I have now decided that I want to end this promise and start seeing other guys.

My boyfriend is very upset, calls me crying at least once a day, and sends me tons of e-mails and text messages. I guess that I am feeling somewhat guilty for causing him to feel so miserable, but I am also feeling resentful and controlled.

I feel that he is trying to keep me on a short leash, and I want the freedom to enjoy college, including the social life. Do you have any suggestions on how I might approach this problem?

Dear Reader:

You are facing an age-old dilemma, agreeing to something that later may need to be changed.

It sounds like you are having second thoughts about this exclusive dating arrangement that you have had with your boyfriend. I encourage you both to consider the consequences of keeping this agreement.

You are both very young and need the time and space to explore relationships with other people in order to help you determine the characteristics in someone whom you would want to be your lifelong partner. Seeing other people would also give you the opportunity to encounter men whom you would not choose for a lifelong commitment of marriage. Meeting a wide variety of people in social contexts such as college gives you this opportunity, whereas focusing on only one relationship at your age denies you this chance.

As far as you making him feel guilty, bear in mind that he is choosing to feel miserable because of a very rational choice on your part to see other men while you are not married.

Your feeling “resentful and controlled” is something you need to pay attention to at this time. These feelings, especially in the situation you are in with your boyfriend, are not healthy and need to be alleviated.

You may consider telling your boyfriend that agreeing to see other people will give you both a chance to test the strength of your feelings for each other. Hopefully, he will see the wisdom in this perspective.

Good luck to both of you.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 2009