When teens rebel, what's a parent to do?

Recently a parent wrote me:

“My teenager seems to disagree with almost everything I say, especially when it comes to the rules I lay down. This is my first child and I am unfamiliar with what to expect. Before my child reached adolescence, we were compatible. Now our relationship is often stormy and in conflict. I don’t want to drive us apart and do permanent damage to my child. On the other hand, I don’t feel comfortable allowing my child to make all his decisions. Please help me with this struggle in attempting to do the correct and healthy thing for my child.”

I replied:

Counselors who deal with families and children frequently encounter similar questions from parents. You have wisely and astutely brought out several important facets about parenting your adolescent.

First, you noted one of the hallmarks of teen-parent relationships. During adolescence, especially in the early stages around the ages of 12 to 14, the teen may display a great deal of negativism and challenges to authority figures, especially the parents. Parents seem to go from being reasonably intelligent human beings, to being dunces, then returning to reasonably intelligent as the teenager enters young adulthood.

The intensity of this challenge varies from adolescent to adolescent. Sometimes it is a relatively smooth transition, other times it is difficult.

During adolescence, the individual begins to attempt to establish an identity, and feel pulled away from parents and other family members. Rebelliousness, negativism, irritability, and anger are common. It’s all part of the developmental process, as the child becomes an adult.

Without limits, boundaries and definitions of acceptable behavior, the adolescent is on his or her own to decide the parameters, or they may choose to accept the definition of acceptable behavior from their peers.

Most authorities who deal with adolescent development agree it is primarily the parents’ responsibility to set these limits and boundaries regarding acceptable behavior for their children.

Following are some of the factors that cause problems in setting rules and limits:

• Parents want so much to be friends with their children and are so afraid of offending them, that the parents are reluctant to establish rules that may seem offensive to their children. In an attempt to please the child, they lose perspective about the components of a healthy parent/child relationship.

• Parents are often influenced by the parents of other children who may set standards that differ significantly from their own. Again, in an attempt to not appear to be “out of step” with what the Joneses are doing, the parents let the other families’ decision making process and value system become their own.

• Some parents simply become so involved in non-parenting activities that they don’t take the time to become active in defining the boundaries and limits their children need to grow in a healthy, nurturing environment.

Because of numerous requests about the adolescent ages, I will be returning to this important topic.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 1992