Know the changes of adolescence
The topic is helping parents and teenagers live together in harmony. Parents should first try to understand the typical psychological changes that occur during adolescence.
Parents often tell me they are shocked to discover that their teenager has become rebellious, oppositional and brimming over with negativism toward the rest of the family, particularly toward them. They admit they feel threatened and often even panic when their child displays some unpleasant and heretofore absent characteristics.
As counselors we often hear parents say, “I just don’t know what has come over Bob, just in the last few months. He used to be obedient and cooperative. Now we cannot please him, and he argues about anything and everything.”
Another parent may say, “Sue doesn’t want to be with the family anymore. She spends most of the time in her room alone. We can’t seem to talk to each other anymore.”
Other parents are disturbed because they sense a changing of values. “Jim used to love to go to church on Sunday morning. Now we can hardly drag him out of bed.”
Or the habit of neatness and organization seems to be disappearing. “Tom always kept his room neat. Now it looks like the rubble in a scene from an old war movie.”
Understanding these changes in typical teenage development can help parents depersonalize some of the negative characteristics to some degree. Teenagers’ moods may range from passive to explosive in any given day. They do need to become assertive, to express their feelings and opinions. They do need some time alone to become self-sufficient. Privacy is valued. They do need to develop future goals.
The family still plays the most important role in the adolescent’s life. The teenager still depends on the family financially and emotionally. But change is occurring and parents need to be flexible as the teenager is breaking away from complete parental authority.
One of the best ways to stay within normal limits is to:
Set definite limits and boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Remember this is a transition period, and the child in the adolescent wants to know who is still in control as this gives a feeling of security. Standards and values for that child are still in the formational period. On the other hand, setting rigid rules and limits on anything and everything in the teenager’s life will make it difficult to enforce the really important benchmarks of concern such as:
The use of alcohol and drugs.
Premarital sexual relationships.
Curfew times.
Acceptable grades in school.
For the most part, teenagers want their parents to take a firm stand on these important variables. Equally important is for both parents to agree on these matters and communicate that they are united in their beliefs. If a child learns to manipulate one parent against the other, an unhealthy scenario begins to develop and can lead to disastrous results.
Learning to let go may be one of the most difficult parental duties. Overprotective dominance can produce dependency undermining the ability to learn from mistakes and eroding the ability to make decisions as adults.
The turbulence of these years has been probed and researched; for some it may be overemphasized, but parents and teenagers alike are still working to make the transition a little more pleasurable. They can through understanding and support.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1988
