Grounding teens: does it work?
He’s grounded again. Johnny didn’t conform to the ground rules set by the family. He is sitting it out, determined to do better the next time around. Or is he?
Disciplining young people today is far different than in the days of many parents and grandparents. Sometimes resentment flares, and we expect children to accept the punishment without further comment. We have all learned a lot about understanding human growth and development, each of us has, a result of how we were treated by our parents and other significant people.
We tend to forget that every generation has tended to believe the current generation was in trouble. That same generation looked on their elders as having made serious mistakes, and they were hoping to find a way to save the world from further mistakes.
Both opinions are normal, and if used in the best interests for all will strengthen family life and build a better society.
I am not advocating a lax attitude or a relaxing of discipline, but I am suggesting to parents that communication is still the best way to work with teenagers.
John admitted, “I may be a rebellious teenager. I admit I really disappointed them with my last report card. But they won’t sit down and talk to me anymore. For anything that happens they just scream, ‘You’re grounded.’ End of the conversation. No chance to explain, ask for their advice or anything.”
Parents don’t have to change their ground rules. Children are the first to admit they want set guidelines to follow. They want a definite curfew; they want to know what is expected of them in duties at home, of grades at school, what values their parents have, what their opinions are on controversial current topics such as AIDS, sex, drugs, etc.
Parents who find it difficult to listen are the same adults who would demand the right to voice their side of the case, to present facts that might have altered the situation if they were reprimanded or even suspended from their jobs.
Parents can set their own rules yet still promise to discuss and consider answers with an open mind, to try to see things from the child’s point of view. It is important that the child not fear punishment or retaliation if his answers do not agree with his parents’.
Johnny and his parents have learned to sit down and discuss ground rules. Actually, Johnny’s father said, “We didn’t change a single rule. We didn’t change our viewpoint on the hours he should keep, the friends he should choose, or on any of our expectations. We just reviewed the rules – but this time both sides listened and expressed our feelings. Ground him for everything wasn’t good disciplinary measure, especially keeping him out of church and school activities.”
Johnny felt better about the situation. “At least I know that should I have car trouble and I don’t make curfew, the pat answer won’t be, ‘You’re grounded.’ And the next time I fail a test, Dad has promised to help me study at home. I will have their attention long enough to explain, and I know where they are coming from.”
Johnny’s parents have learned to play the role of helpful, watchful bystanders ready to assist while communicating in words and actions what they expect. Above all, they have learned not to overreact. They have found other ways of correction instead of the old standby, “You’re grounded.”
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989
