Easing the transition to adulthood

The teenage years once were considered a phenomenon known only to the western culture. In ancient societies the years between childhood and adulthood were marked by rites of passage.

Young men performed certain feats of athletic prowess and learned to hunt, become warriors and assume the responsibilities of manhood. Young women were carefully taught the duties of becoming a homemaker. Education separated adults from children at a given point in time by either apprenticing them to a craftsmen or sending them to the university.

In recent years the adolescent rebellion has arisen in countries that have adopted western ways. I have always thought an interesting study would be to compare these changes.

And I think of it sadly now as the electronic media show youngsters bearing arms against the enemy. What will be their memories, if they survive, of the transition from childhood to adulthood?

Child movie stars and stage performers, who often attended school on the movie set or on the road, frequently have been asked what was it like to forgo prom night, football games and having friends over a slumber party.

The age of adolescence of the bridge between the onset of the puberty and early adulthood should be a time of taking one step at a time. But events, traumas and conflicts often force people to forgo this time. Instead of walking slowly across that bridge, they literally jump the chasm. Some make the jump without repercussions. Others fall into the chasm and have to climb the mountain the hard way.

A friend who was 10 when his father died said at that young age he became the man of the house and the father to four younger sisters and brothers. He helped his mother manage the farm and moved quickly from childhood to adulthood. The saving grace of that period, he maintains, is that his mother was a wise and wonderful counsel. She kept the lines of communication open and was a good listener. He felt her solid support and love and was able to express some of the confusion he felt. She allowed him to make decisions that were not always successful, but which allowed him to benefit from his mistakes and make more responsible decisions afterward.

 This reiterates my belief that the No. 1 goal parents need to strive for is good communication. Although this is often complicated because teenagers need time along to sort out their feelings, parents need to be available to listen and allow teens to express their concerns even when those concerns seem to be irrational or trivial.

Belittling, quickly refuting and denying their concerns causes the teenager to push farther away and lessens the desire to seek help from the parent. Parents should spend some time together talking about and reflecting on their own teenage trials and tribulations, sharing these feelings with each other in order to better understand their own teenager’s dilemmas and concerns.

 Parents need to strive to provide unconditional love to their children. During the formative years and during the years of adolescence, this task is often difficult. Unconditional love means providing love to your teenager no matter what they act like or do. It does not mean giving approval to or liking the behavior.

Learning to separate your feelings for your teenager from his behavior is the key to providing unconditional love. Showing your teenager you love him only when he is doing what you approve of is unhealthy and is a nonproductive way to communicate. Providing unconditional positive regard means your teenager should know that you love him, are concerned about him, and will hold him in esteem and treat him with respect regardless of the specifics of his behavior.

Letting the teenager know you are on his side, that you love and respect him and care for him goes a long way toward establishing a healthy working relationship. Really listen and then let him know you share in his concern about rejection from friends, ambivalent attitudes toward school and fears of growing up.

Remember that a child who feels he has a loving family with some level of control feels secure.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1988