Easing conflicts with troubled teens

Last week, I discussed several things that contribute to defiance in teenage family members.

Many authorities in sociology, psychology and religion agree the family is not as intact now as in previous generations. This causes adolescents to push, bend and break the codes of conduct set by parents.

With the high divorce rate, the large number of single-parent families, and the urgent and time-consuming struggles such as the fight for economic survival, there is a tendency for teenage defiance to be more pronounced and even accepted as inevitable in some sectors of our society.

What can parents do to decrease the tension and conflicts that arise due to a teenager’s defiance?

• They can strive for the right balance between supervision, rules and control. They must be flexible. Believing that a teenager is not going to demonstrate some defiance is naïve. Deciding on what the major parameters of acceptable behavior and attitude are for the teenager is of the utmost importance.

It is a task that should be shared by both parents. Parental division on these key issues can lead to confusion on the teenager’s part, and a tendency toward manipulation and eventual disaster. Teenagers are quick to play the old scenario of Mom against Dad.

• Parents should consider the standards and rules of other families whose situations and lifestyles resemble theirs. Adolescents have an extremely strong desire to be like their peers, to not stick out as being odd or different and to be accepted by their peers. Although parents should not give in to other families’ standards, this strong need for peer approval should be considered.

Parents may wish to communicate with other parents, as teenagers tend to hear things the way they want to hear them.

• Parents should sit down with teenagers and discuss family rules. Let teenagers help you decide what the standards will be. See whether the rules you set are ones you can live with.

For example:

• Do you ask your teenager to address you in a calm voice while you are shouting?
• Do you tell teenagers to stay away from drugs when you are setting a poor example by abusing them yourself?
• Do you ask them to drive safely while you drive like a wild person?
• Do you often tell tales of wild escapades you had while you were a teenager?
• Do you berate them for being dishonest, yet laugh about cheating Uncle Sam or your partner in a business deal?

Defiance to a degree indicates a struggle to learn to be independent. Defiance to a greater degree should be corrected. A parent can control such defiant behavior with affection and by being a good role model.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987