Sibling rivalry part of growing up

They squabble and bicker with each other constantly. Besides threatening each other’s safety at times, they frustrate their parents to the point of desperation. Why can’t kids get along? How can parents keep their sanity when sibling rivalry gets out of hand?

First, sibling rivalry should be seen as a normal part of development. The basic cause of sibling rivalry is the jealousy a child feels because he has to share his mother and father with other children in the family.

Each child figures the only good solution to the problem is to get ride of the others. Because parents don’t feel that way, they have to accept that they can never completely eliminate the jealousy or squabbling. The best they can do is keep it within normal limits.

Following are some guidelines for decreasing tension in a family with multiple relationships.

 Spend at least 30 minutes each week along with each child. During this time you each can enjoy the other person’s company.

 Set up a fair system for sharing toys and privileges. Today is Johnny’s day to ride in the front seat of the car. It is Susie’s day to decide on the TV show; tomorrow will be Johnny’s day to go first or last to make a bath. You can set a timer if there is trouble over sharing a new toy. When the timer goes off, it is the other child’s turn to play with it.

 When there is an ongoing argument about how something is going to be done, try sending them to a room with the task of together coming up with ways to solve the problem. They can come out when they are ready to present their ideas to you.

This may not work if there is no household rule against hurting another person. When that rule is broken, the consequence is they cannot be together for a certain amount of time. Sending them to separate rooms is usually effective with younger children.

 When one child infuriates an older child by getting into his things or “treasures,” the parent should put a lock on the door and give the older child a key. If the children share the same room, then use locked cabinets for their toys and possessions. Each child has his own cabinet and his own key.

 Give older children opportunities to vent anger about a new baby. You can even help by saying, “I bet it makes you mad when these folks made such a fuss over that little baby.” Let him know it is normal to have angry feelings.

 When a younger child makes a pest of himself by hanging around an older child and his friends, it is usually best to let the younger one visit one of his friends or invite a friend over. Do whatever is necessary to separate them at this point.

 These are typically scenarios: “Mom, Matt keeps coming into my room.” “Mom, Susie kicked me for no reason.” “Dad, he’s hogging the TV. I can’t watch anything I want.”

These are obnoxious, vengeful behaviors. But parents remember – they are just temporary. It’s just a tough stage every parent has to live through.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1987