Sibling rivalry not unhealthy, uncommon

During the summer, when family members spend more time together, parents may be more aware of sibling rivalry. Often, it leads them to believe they have somehow failed in parenting when the kids bicker and fuss.

Some parents even feel they are responsible for what their children think and feel. Truth is, parents have no control over this.

Each child probably has a different perception of events and happenings that have occurred within the family. These perceptions are the basis for sibling rivalry. Parents can model and manage the family unit, but the child will still form his or her own perception.

Some family therapists feel that rivalries are the outcroppings of jealousies as children compete for parental attention.

This competition between siblings may surface in outward signs of trivial accusations. Sometimes unkind remarks are unresolved conflicts that have been ongoing for a long time and are caused by hidden issues. As the family spends more time together, rivalries heat up.

Unmet psychological needs – part of every person’s life – are sources of contention and often keep siblings from the harmony their parents desire. Following are examples of unmet needs:

• Power and control. Tom, the older of two brothers, is home from college. He wants to play golf with some of his buddies. But his younger brother, Joe, expected Tom to drive him to an all-day soccer meet. Tom felt he would lose some of his power and control if he gave in and took Joe to the soccer meet. As the elder sibling, Tom felt he should have the power to decide where each of them was going.

• Competition. Joe felt he always had to compete for his family’s attention. With Tom off in college, he had his place in the sun. With Joe’s return, he once again had to assume second sibling. His complaint was that Tom always “got his way.”

• Attention. Although Joe feels he doesn’t get the attention he deserves, at the same time he really missed his big brother and was hoping that during the time Tom was home for the summer the two could spend lots of time together. Joe wanted attention from his older sibling, also.

• Freedom and separation. Tom had matured and no longer felt so dependent on his parents and did not want to lose this feeling of independence.

Families with minor conflicts need to learn to solve problems by negotiating. This includes using good communication skills, listening to each person’s point of view, plus respecting each individual, trusting them and realizing that every child has different interests and goals.

As a rule, parents should think of themselves as moderators, not decision makers, in solving problems between siblings. For just as sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up, it is also part of learning to live with others.

Healthy families need not be afraid of these rivalries. Feeling the tug of war that accompanies them and accepting them is part of the parent-child interaction that results in unconditional love and confidence.

Copyright c 1995 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.