Compromises needed during adolescence
Many parents have a difficult time adjusting to their child’s adolescent years of development. This potentially stormy time can be met with much greater ease if the parents have an understanding of normal adolescent development. These years range from the onset of puberty to early adulthood. Most authorities place the age range from approximately 12 to 18. However, this age may vary from one adolescent to the next.
The early years of adolescence are characterized by a great deal of negativism, rebelliousness and interest patterns that often are opposite from those of parents. If the mother and father tell Ann that they just “love” her red dress, she may go back to her room, take it off and put on another one simply because her parents liked the red one. Johnny, who has always like d the Dallas cowboys and rooted from the team with his parents, may suddenly adopt the banner of the Detroit Lions or any other team simply because his parents like the Cowboys.
Many parents react to this phase by development in their adolescent’s life by attempting to exert more control in their child’s life and reacting in a very threatened manner. This, of course, simply adds gasoline to the “fire” and makes the problem worse.
An increase in antisocial behavior is not uncommon in early adolescence.
Papering their friends’ houses, playing hooky from school, even shoplifting may be found in this stage of development. This attempt by adolescents to establish their own identity and individuality in unacceptable manners may create a great deal of stress in the family.
Middle adolescence finds the child involved in increased narcissism, self-involvement, more separation from the parents and family, but some decrease in negativism. Fortunately, the middle adolescent years reflect a decrease in antisocial behavior and more capacity to feel guilt.
Late adolescence generally reflects more maturity, shown by a renewed interest in the family and almost no negativism. Here we find the individual adolescent making comments such as, “You know, my parent are finally beginning to understand me.” The late adolescent (approximately college age) begins to understand and display many values of the parent. A renewed closeness should begin to develop between the adolescent and his parents.
The adolescent years may be like a ship crossing a stormy sea. With understanding, flexibility and some compromise, there is hope for getting through these years with minimized psychological discomfort and distress so that the ship sails intact out of the stormy sea. Another analogy is that of the individual driving across a bumpy field holding a cup of hot coffee in his hand. If the person grips the cup rigidly and holds the arm and hand inflexibly, the coffee spills all over the hand, causing pain and discomfort. However, it is possible through flexible movement and adjustment to cross the bumpy field. Holding the coffee and spilling very little, you can reach smooth ground with little discomfort and loss.
Several helpful suggestions for parents of adolescent children are:
• For many parents, thinking back to their own adolescence is helpful in keeping their perspective and remembering the turbulence and uncertainty of their own childhood.
• Try to convey to your adolescent that you do appreciate acceptable behavior by saying so in a very positive manner.
• Set limits and rules on the important things like school performance, hours to be out at night and friendships. Remain more flexible and open to compromise on the less important issues, such as telephone time, leisure time and time spent with family.
• Try not to lose your cool. Don’t become emotionally upset over every disagreement between you and your child. Objectivity is lost and judgment impaired.
• Remember that getting through the “rough” teen-age years without too many emotional scars can produce a very rewarding and close relationship after the adolescent years are over.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984
