Parenting a Teenager

Recently a parent made the following request:
“My wife and I have a teen-age child and need some guidelines on parenting. We are not having problems yet but definitely see some challenges on the horizon.”

During adolescence, especially the early stages which occur around the age of 12-14, the teen may display a great deal of negativism and challenge authority figures, especially the parents. At the same time, the parents seem to go from being reasonably intelligent, to being dunces, then returning to being reasonably intelligent as the teenager enters young adulthood. The intensity of these changes varies from adolescent to adolescent.
Sometimes it is a relatively smooth transition, at other times it is more difficult.

Also, the teen begins to attempt to establish his/her own identity as the separation from parents and other family members occurs. Rebelliousness and even some acting out behaviors are not uncommon.

Within limits, boundaries, and definitions of acceptable behavior, the adolescent needs the opportunity to begin making his or her own choices and decisions and then be made responsible for the consequences of these choices. Most authorities who deal with adolescent development agree that it is primarily the parents’ responsibility to set these limits and boundaries regarding acceptable behavior for their children.

Difficulties may arise because of some of the following situations:

• Parents want to be their child’s friend. They are reluctant to establish rules which may seem offensive to their children. In an attempt to please the child they lose perspective about the components of a healthy parent/child relationship.
• Parents may be influenced by the parents of their child’s peers who may set standards which differ significantly from their own. In an attempt to not appear to be “out of step” with what the Jones’ are doing, they let the other families’ decision-making process and value system become their own.
• Some parents simply become so involved in non-parenting activities that they don’t take time to become active in defining the boundaries and limits that their children need to grow in a healthy, nurturing environment.
• Parents sometimes fail to recognize or care about the fact that their own behavior serves as a model for their child. These parents seem to be sending the message “do as I say, not as I do”. This can be very unhealthy for the child’s development.

I hope this information is helpful.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2003